The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but when you get there, you would find it’s artificial turf.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Santa is just like every other man. Comes and goes in less than 5 min, eats your food, calls you a HO, leaves before you get up.

As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this ”Identity Theft”.

When someone says “It’s getting hot in here” I automatically think, “So take off all your clothes”.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. But when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $2.95 a minute.

Having those weird conversations with your friends and thinking, if anyone heard us right now they’d think we’re crazy.

Pick up lines for old people: Grandpa: Hey baby, you better call life alert, cause I’ve fallen for you and can’t get up.

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit” as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.

Grow some balls? I don’t think so. Grow a vagina instead. Because balls hurt easily and vaginas can take a whole lot of pounding.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.