I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out our asses.

I’m proud of my heart. It’s been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow still works.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.

Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you will be disconnected.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason why mothers cry at weddings.

When a girl cancels a date, it’s because she has to. But when a guy cancels a date it’s because he has two.

The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.

Fortune Cookie: “Your life will be happy and peaceful.” Dear Cookie, What drugs are you on, we should share.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday so I’m gettin her a deck of cards.

Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them because I know how hard life is for the visually impaired.

I won’t take a bullet for anyone because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet…you have time to move.

Fridge full of food, nothing to eat. Wardrobe full of clothes, nothing to wear. Internet full of sites, nothing to go on.