I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.

You’re like the first slice of bread in the bag. Everyone touches you, but nobody really want you.

Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How’d that work out for him?

What’s the difference between STD’s and rumors? Nothing. They’re both spread by whores.

It’s a good thing you can’t get drunk on music, otherwise I’d be totally wasted by now.

I respect the person who lets girls into the army. Girls on their periods armed with a gun = unstoppable.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Don’t break a girl’s heart because she’ll probably write a bestselling album about you.

Dear young girls losing their virginity; If your age is on the clock, you’re too young for the cock.

Hello, Monday. May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?

Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re also ugly.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when you consider what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup.

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don’t multiply.

Love is like a form of amnesia when a girl forgets that there are almost 4 billion other guys in the world.