TOP 5 Lies People Tell – 1) I’m fine. 2) That was my last piece of gum. 3) I’ll call you back. 4) I’m on my way. 5) I never got that text.

Love me? Great. Hate me? Even better. Think I’m ugly? Don’t look at me. Don’t know me? Don’t judge me. Think you know me? You have no idea.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least 5 years to the age of their best friend.

Women are like remote controls. It gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Suggest Revision: All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.

Broccoli: “I look like a tree.” Walnut: “I look like a brain. ” Mushroom: “I look like an umbrella.” Banana: “Dude?! Change the topic.”

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next”.

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.””