My internet wasn’t working the other day. I think my neighbors forgot to pay their bill. How irresponsible of them.

If you rearrange the letters in “Mother-in-law”, you get “Woman Hitler” Coincidence? I think not.

I do 5 sit-ups every day. It may not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in the way.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Edward isn’t a vampire. He lives in a forest. He doesn’t eat people & he sparkles. HE IS OBVIOUSLY A FAIRY.

Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name ‘iTouch Kids’ didn’t sit too well.

Menopause, menstrual cramps, mental illness, mental breakdowns…ever notice that all of your problems begin with men?

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.

Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother’s basement.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I’ve been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

Boys, if you don’t look like Calvin Klein models, don’t expect girls to look like Victoria’s Secret angels.

Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain? Scarecrow: Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking!

It would be so incredible if I could read minds, but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.