Can you enter a house uninvited?""No.""Why?""That would be rude.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

I studied matter for 35 years only to find out it does not exist

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Martinis are like breasts one isn t enough and three is too many

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

Don't call me 'gentleman'. I work for a livin'.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Fuck me,' I said to Toby. 'We're living in Isengard.

I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

I like work; it fascinates me I can sit and look at it for hours