Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Humour is the shock absorber of life; It helps us take the blows

Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Why do boys say someone acts like a girl as if it were an insult?

If you don t know where you are going any road will get you there

If at first you don t succeed destroy all evidence that you tried

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

Go fuck yourself Judge.""Motion denied." answers the judge dryly.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.