I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.

I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brothe

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.

Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.

Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.

Age is always advancing and I'm fairly sure it's up to no good.

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

My philosophy in life is to eat, drink and investigate - in that order.

I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.