Things I do everyday: 1. Get up 2. Survive 3. Go back to bed.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Santa is always jolly, he knows where the naughty girls live.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

What do you do when you miss your ex? Re-load and shoot again.

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Hey Google, why don’t you sit next to me during my exam?

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Jail = the government’s way of sending you to your room.

Keep smiling, and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.

I’m not in a bad mood. Everyone is just… annoying.

Never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman.