A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up?

I read about the evils of drinking so I gave up reading.

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Dear Sluts: Please Control Your “Whoremoans”

I don’t have insomnia, I have internet connection.

Some people are like trees, they take forever to grow up.

When life gives you lemons, add vodka, and throw a party.

My room was clean until I have to find something to wear.

2012: Come at me bro! 1800: Advance towards me brotheren.

If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.

You should have two Facebook accounts. One for each face.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.