I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Promises are like babies. Fun to make but hell to deliver.

I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.

When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.

You annoy me. Go swimming.. with a brick tied to your foot.

Some people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

I didn’t fall, the floor looked like it needed a hug.

I’m naked under these clothes. I’m such a slut.

We live in a time period of smart phones and stupid people.

It’s a joke not a dick, don’t take it too hard.