Didn't anyone tell you that size doesn't matter?""Yes, but I told him to put his pants back on and go home.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.

I have my welcome mat turned around backwards so when people leave they think they’re going to a better place.

[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.

Not planned... Hoped for maybe, but not planned. I’m a guy. I pretty much always think sex might be an option.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opposite character.

Can I have my ear back?" He asked irritably.She blinked."Mother, can you tell this creature here to loosen her hold?

I dont know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing...

I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?

I let out a sound that was definitely not a whimper. It was something far more manly, no matter what it sounded like.

I am no indiscriminate novel reader. The mere trash of the common circulating library I hold in the highest contempt.

Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else - not as fragile as we think they are.