He licked up to her ear and whispered, “You taste like summer. Did I ever mention, summer is my favorite season?

I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps...

Switzerland is only bearable covered with snow," Aunt Augusta said, "like some people are only bearable under a sheet.

Felicity was horrible and snide, but then Felicity had been a repulsive earwig ever since she first grew a vocabulary.

If you believe nothing else I say, you need to believe that every word I tell you from this point on is a complete lie

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Typical St Mary’s. When the chips are down we don’t whine and we don’t run – we do some damage.

Mother said we had reached the Age of Reason and had to be good now. We must have because we wanted Willy Starr instead.

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts

She ran out of her marriage the way a woman can run out of a pair of sandals when she decides to let go and really dash.

You can shit in one hand and wish in another and see which one gets full faster. Or... you can just take my word for it.