There are some days I practice positive thinking And other days I m not positive I am thinking

No matter how bad you think life is when you consider the alternative -- it ain t all that bad

Marriage is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master s

A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire then what do freedom fighters fight?

Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess

Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift that s why it s called: The Present

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living

Children seldom misquote you In fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn t have said

A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right he has a son who thinks he s usually wrong

Life is like a taxi The meter just keeps ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still

Life is like a taxi The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still

Half the fun of being alive is not knowing what tomorrow will bring The other half is pretending you don t care

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us