Bill Clinton fell deathly ill while being transported home from his Africa trip Apparently he picked up a strange life-threatening disease in one of the villages He was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital for a complicated operation He went under the knife in the early morning and when he awoke he saw that the curtains were closed around him and it was dark Why are the curtains closed? the President asked the Secret Service agent sitting beside his bed Is it night already? No Sir the agent said There is a huge fire across the street and we didn`t want you waking up and looking out the window and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful
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Once Alia Bhatt was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding Just to be sure she went around the block and passed the same spot driving even more slowly but again the camera flashed Now she began to think that this was quite funny so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more but the traffic camera again flashed She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail s pace Two weeks later she got five challans for driving without a seat belt
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Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig killing it instantly Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn What happened to you? asked Bill Well the Farmer gave me the wine his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me said the driver My God what did you tell them? asks Clinton The driver replies I`m Bill Clinton`s driver and I just killed the pig
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The Pakistani President Gen Pervez Musharraf is visiting his friend U S President George Bush in Washington DC The U S President offers a gift to his guest Here you go Mush says Bush Try out this shiny new Cadillac It s their finest model Thank you Mr President but I cannot accept this magnificent gift replies the Musharraf Oh I understand about gift limits I understand the problems you are having in Pakistan with your non-profit associations Ok then give me a half dollar for it Then it won t be a gift replies Bush Musharraf gives Bush a dollar I don t have any change too bad says the President No big deal you ll just give me two Cadillacs retorts Musharraf
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Laloo Prasad was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton The instructor told Laloo Laloo ji when you shake hand with President Clinton please say how are you Then Mr Clinton should say I am fine and you? Now you should say me too Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you It looks quite simple but the truth is When Laloo Prasad met Clinton he mistakenly said Who Are you? Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: Well I am Hilary`s husband ha ha ” Then Mori replied confidently Me too ha ha ha Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room
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A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border when they came across a badly mangled dead body As they got closer they found it was an Iraqi soldier A short distance up the road they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road struggling to breathe They ran to him cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened Well he whispered I was walking down this road armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard I looked him right in the eye and shouted Saddam Hussein is a moronic deceitful lying piece of trash He looked me right in the eye and shouted back George W Bush is a moronic deceitful lying piece of trash too We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us
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Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting when somebody sneezed Who was that ? shouted Hitler whirling around from a wall map of Europe Nobody said anything I see he said I will have 10 of you shot And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed? A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room Shots were heard then silence I will ask again yelled Hitler who sneezed? Again nobody said anything Very vell he said I will have another 10 of you shot The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them For the very last time screamed Hitler Who sneezed? Finally the guilty officer could stand no more He stood up and said It was me my Führer I am the one who sneezed Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said Bless you
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The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country If we don t succeed we run the risk of failure I have made good judgments in the past I have made good judgments in the future The future will be better tomorrow We re going to have the best educated American people in the world I stand by all the misstatements that I ve made We have a firm commitment to NATO we are a part of NATO We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe Public speaking is very easy A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur For NASA space is still a high priority Quite frankly teachers are the only profession that teach our children It isn t pollution that s harming the environment It s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it It s time for the human race to enter the solar system
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Knock knock Who’s there? Di Di who? See easily forgotten What did Diana do in real life? Nothing Why did Diana die? Who cares? Poor Dodi Fayed Uninteresting alive Just barely when dead We all know where Princess Di was buried but where was Dodi buried? Who the f*ck cares? What was Diana’s last dessert dish? A: Turnover Burger King is going to offer a Lady Di Combo: Egyptian sausage on an English muffin splattered with ketchup all over and a bottle of Perrier Did you hear Pizza Hut is announcing a Princess Di Meat lover’s Pizza ? It s made with two kinds of meat: Egyptian sausage and Welsh beaver The princess used to like fish and chips but now she’s stuck on ribs Diana’s name has been changed to The Royalty formally known as Princess Di What do you give to a princess who has everything? A: A safety belt and an airbag What were Princess Diana’s last words? Darn I can`t auction this dress now
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Q What does JFK Jr miss most about Martha s Vineyard? A The runway Q What will they name the JFK Jr movie ? A Three funerals and a wedding Q What was JFK Jr drinking at the time of the crash ? A Ocean Spray Q How did JFK Jr learn how to fly ? A He took a crash course Q How are the Kennedy s like oil? A They don t mix well with water Observation: Used to be that Kennedies drowned their women one at a time Rumor: We hear JFK Jr has a new nickname: Bob Q Why didn t JFK Jr take a shower before he left for Martha s Vineyard? A He said he d wash up on shore Q Hear about Kennedy Airlines? A Their motto is Your luggage will arrive before you do Q Why was JFK Jr flying to the Vineyard? A He wanted to crash his cousin s wedding Finally Q Why aren t there more JFK jr jokes out there A They just haven t surfaced yet Q What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together? A One more bullet Let he who is without sin learn to loosen up and have some fun
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President Obama and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President Barack stares at the agent looks at Michelle looks back at the agent and shakes his head The agent then says Mr President it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor and the fans will love it So Barack shrugs and says Well if it will help my poll numbers He gets up grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants and drops her right over the wall into the field She gets up kicking screaming swearing The crowd goes wild; cheering applauding and high-fiving Barack is bowing and smiling and leans over to the agent and says You were right I would have never believed that Noticing the agent has gone totally pale Barack asks what was wrong The agent replies Sir I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH
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Bill Clinton is visiting a school In one class he asks the students if anyone could give him an example of a tragedy One little boy stands up and offers If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy No Clinton says that would be an ACCIDENT A girl raises her hand If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off cliff killing everyone involved that would be a tragedy I m afraid not explains Clinton That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer What ? asks Clinton Isn`t there anyone who can give an example of a tragedy? Finally a boy in the back raises his hand In a timid voice he says: If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb THAT would be a tragedy Wonderful Clinton beams Marvelous And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy? Well says the boy because it wouldn t be an accident and it certainly wouldn`t be a great loss
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Bill Clinton is visiting a school In one class he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy One little boy stands up and offers If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy No Clinton says That would be an ACCIDENT A girl raises her hand If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff killing everyone involved that would be a tragedy I m afraid not explains Clinton That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer What? asks Clinton Isn`t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy? Finally a boy in the back raises his hand In a timid voice he speaks: If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb that would be a tragedy Wonderful Clinton beams Marvelous And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy? Well says the boy because it wouldn`t be an accident and it certainly would be no great loss
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Some new trains have been announced in the name of celebrities Modi Express: Will not stop anywhere till it reaches the destination Bappi Lahiri Express: Pull chain another chain will be seen behind it Ekta Kapoor Express: Will come three times on the same platform in slow motion Amir Khan Express: Will run once in a year and pick the passengers as per its choice Salman Khan Express: Can run on footpath Manmohan Express: One and only silent train Dhoni Express: 95% journey 10km/hr and remaining 5% 400km/hr Mamata Express: Train will run in the opposite direction of destination Rahul Gandhi Express: Will get derailed repeatedly Congress Express: An experienced driver in each coach driver Of engine on leave Amit Shah Express: Covers the whole country except Delhi Kejriwal Express: Sure to start but no guarantee it will reach destination could stop midway if driver decides to abandon train And finally Indian Railways Ka Shaan Rajnikant Express: Train will remain static at one place and stations will come and go
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As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well Suddenly the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident The Queen politely turns to President Obama Mr President please accept my regrets I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control Obama always trying to be Presidential responded Your Majesty do not give the matter another thought Until you mentioned it I thought it was one of the horses Moral of the story: Silence is Golden
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