Little Johnny was very proud of his Mangy Mutt He was playing with it when a passing gentleman stopped and asked Johnny What kind of a dog is that Johnny? He s a police dog sir the boy replied What A police dog? He doesn t look like one Oh I know it was Little Johnny s answer but you see sir he s in the secret service

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground Ms Smith stopped to gently scold the child Smiling sweetly the Sunday school teacher said Johnny when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces it would freeze and I would stay like that Little Johnny looked up and replied: Well Ms Smith you can t say you weren t warned

Teacher fell asleep in class and Little Johnny walked up to him Little Johnny Teacher are you sleeping in class? Teacher No I am not sleeping in class Little Johnny What were you doing sir ? Teacher I was talking to God The next day Little Johnny fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him Teacher Johnny you are sleeping in my class Little Johnny No not me sir I am not sleeping Angry teacher What were you doing ?? Little Johnny I was talking to God Angry teacher What did He say?? Little Johnny God said He never spoke to you yesterday

Little Johnny enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer This is the dumbest kid in the world Watch while I prove it to you The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other then calls Little Johhny over and asks Which do you want son? Little Johnny takes the quarters and leaves What did I tell you? said the barber That kid never learns Later when the customer leaves he sees Little Johnny coming out of the ice cream store Hey May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? Little Johnny licked his cone and replied Because the day I take the dollar the game is ove

Joe was a successful computer programmer and a happy family man His life was blessed with a loving wife 2 kids three cats and a dog Joe loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his son little Johnny began asking to go along on Rusty s evening walks Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his father: Daddy why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take him for his walk? Well Joe wasn t sure how he should answer his son How DOES one explain the way animals mark their territory to a 6-year-old? Stalling for time Joe asked What do you think he s doing Johnny? Johnny frowned in concentration then brightened and said I know I Know He s checking his P-Mail

Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories There were all the regular types of stuff But then the teacher realised that only Little Johnny was left Johnny do you have a story to share ? Yes madam My daddy told me a story about my Mom She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey a pistol and a survival knife She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets killed four more with the knife till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands Good Heavens said the horrified teacher What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story??? Stay away from Mommy when she s drunk

Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger His mother tells him to stop it as he s liable to break something but he continues Johnny Mom screams Knock it off You re going to break something He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center Little Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH out it comes When she s finished she looks down and can t believe what she s seeing She s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet She calls her doctor The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation but he assures her he ll be over shortly to examine everything When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long hard look at the thing Finally he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere On him the walls etc Doctor Doctor Are you all right? she asks He says I ve been in this business for over 30 years and this is the first time I ve ever actually seen a fart

A father passing by his son s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to Dad With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I m writing you I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing tattoos tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am But it s not only the passion Dad she s pregnant Stacy said that we will be very happy She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter We share a dream of having many more children Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn t really hurt anyone We ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better She deserves it Don t worry Dad I m 16 and I know how to take care of myself Someday I m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren Love Your Son JohnNY PS Dad none of the above is true I m over at Andy s house I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that s in my center desk drawer I love you and let me know when it s safe to come home