An army major to wife he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action The punishment sounds a little harsh she said After all most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters No honey he explained patiently Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly

An army major called his wife to tell her that he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action The punishment sounds a little harsh she said After all most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters No honey he explained patiently Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly

It was early morning at the military base and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: Ames Here Jenson Here Jones Here Magersky Here Seeback No answer Seeback No answer was heard again SEEBACK The troops remained totally silent At that point someone whispered into the first sergeant s ear He looked again at what the last name really said quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side

It was during the World War II The army transport was several days out of New York and running without lights in the submarine zone Some of the fellows were having a little sociable game of poker In the midst of some friendly kicking and re-kicking there was a mighty impact against the boat All was quiet for a moment and then a voice rang out: We Are Torpedoed All the card players but one jumped to their feet Hold on fellows shouted the one who remained seated You cannot leave me now I ve got four Aces

Officers Mess notice for Sunday Breakfast: We are serving gently browned delicately hand-rolled whole wheat pancakes for lunch today stuffed with a mixture of lightly spiced mashed potatoes sauteed onions livened up with just a hint of chilli mint and coriander and topped with a swirl of golden butter Accompaniments include beaten fluffy yoghurt light as air and a home-made dip made from tender young mangoes and spices red as uncut rubies Hindi Translation: We are serving Aloo Parathas with dahi and achaa

The soldier asked for a furlough so that he might get married How long have you known the Girl? His superior asked A Week Why my lad that is hardly long enough I suggest that you wait a couple of months and then if you still want to get married I shall grant you a furlough In two months the soldier was back reminding his superior of his promise So you still want to get married? My My I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays I know sir But it is not the same girl si

A soldier who was habitually drunk publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol One day his friend told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said What and give up all that free whiskey?

The Pakistani Major had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from India Khan he ordered his aide-de-camp I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Indian military activity Ok Major replied Khan He trudged up the mountain and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way There are many planes coming Major he promptly radioed back Friends or enemies? the Major demanded urgently Khan again lifted his binoculars to the sky They re flying very closely together Major he replied I think they must be friends

Since the army is gradually talking over more and more functions of the police there is much heartburning in police circles A constable who could not take the reduction of his status much longer got talking to a jawan Bhai I am told that you jawans of the army have to spend many years on the borders before you get leave Meanwhile your wives go on bearing children Is this really true? How do you treat these ready-made children planted on you? The jawan replied cooly I do not think this is a common occurrence But when it takes place we enrol these ready-made children as you call them into the police

On some Air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field with the control tower in the middle One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking What time is it? The tower responded Who is calling? The aircraft replied What difference does it make? The tower replied It makes a lot of difference If it s a commercial flight it is 3 o clock If it s an Air Force plane it is 1500 hours If it s a Navy aircraft it is 6 bells If it s an Army aircraft the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3 If it is a Marine Corps aircraft it s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to Happy Hou

For thirty years Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 AM on the dot ready for duty He had never missed a day and was never late Consequently when on one particular day 9 AM passed without Johnson s arrival in the briefing room it caused a major sensation All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself looking at his watch and muttering stormed out into the corridor Finally precisely at ten Johnson showed up his uniform dusty and torn his nametag missing his face scratched and bruised his shield bent He limped painfully to the time clock punched in and said aware that all eyes were upon him I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs Nearly freakin killed myself And the sergeant said And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?

Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives guns or basically any equipment what-so-ever so when it came to a training scenario the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire and what do they do? So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind stuff and get into returning fire positions The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open quite relaxed and unfazed Yelling the Sergeant asks What the devil do you think you re doing? You re under fire So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still Now the Sergeant s really annoyed He yells again What the Hell are you doing? You re under imaginary fire take cover The recruit turns to him and replies I m taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old veteran whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate of the military hospital the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man Eventually the topic got around to generals and their role as our leaders The old veteran said Well as I see it most generals are Post Turtles Not being familiar with the term the doctor asked him what a Post Turtle was The old veteran said When you re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top that s a post turtle The old veteran saw the puzzled look on the doctor s face so he continued to explain You know he didn t get up there by himself he doesn t belong up there he doesn t know what to do while he s up there he s elevated beyond his ability to function and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with

During the war between Israel and the Arab Countries an Arabic plane was shot down The pilot was captured and the Israelis tries to get him to tell all technical details about the plane How fast can it fly? The pilot says nothing and the Israelis gives him a good beating How many rockets does the plane carry? Again the pilot doesn t responds and he get another good beating What is the maximum altitude of flying? The pilot responds with silence and get another beating This goes on and on and the Israelis get nothing out of the Arabic pilot so they decide to release him When the pilot returned home he was considered to be a national hero and he get interviewed by a reporter The reporter asks the pilot if he has any tips to other pilots if they get caught Make sure you know all the technical details about the planes otherwise they beat the crap out of you

Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995 This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95 Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship I say again divert YOUR course Canadians: No I say again you divert YOUR course Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH THAT S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP Canadians: This is a lighthouse Your call