Two couples went out golfing together The men hit first from the men s tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball missing it completely while passing some gas rather loudly in the process No one commented She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball topping it and moving it only a short distance She said I wonder why it didn t go any further? One of the men said I don t think you gave it enough gas

The new golfer asked the pro How much for a golf lesson? They re 13 lessons for 150 or a single lesson for 1 000 Why do you charge 1 000 for a single lesson yet offer a series for only 150? If you expect to learn golf in one lesson you re expecting a miracle And if you re expecting a miracle you should expect to pay for one

Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time After introductions the first golfer asked What s your handicap? Oh I m a scratch golfer the other replied Really exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was paired up with her Yes I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill Rather than move the ball he decided to hit it where it lay He gave a mighty swing Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot Everything but the golf ball It sat in the same spot So he lined up and tried another shot Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again The golf ball didn t even wiggle Two ants survived One dazed ant said to the other Whoa What are we going to do? Said the other ant: I don t know about you but I m going to get on the ball

A country club didn’t allow women on the golf course Eventually there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement formed a women’s club and became very active After about 6 months the club board received a letter from the women’s club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course Naturally they just ignored the matter After another 6 months they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back His boss asks what the problem is Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress complained Joe Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game he too stopped short and turned around Joe asked What s wrong? It s a small small world Joe and you re fired

Harry a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one arrived home from the club to an irate ranting wife I m leaving you Harry his wife announced bitterly You promised me faithfully that you d be back before six and here it is almost nine It just can t take that long to play 18 holes of golf Honey wait said Harry Let me explain I know what I promised you but I have a very good reason for being late Fred and I tee d off right on time and everything was find for the first three holes Then on the fourth tee Fred had a stroke I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn t find a doctor And by the time I got back to Fred he was dead So for the next 15 holes it was hit the ball drag Fred hit the ball drag Fred

A priest a doctor and a lawyer were playing golf together one morning but were stuck behind a particularly slow group All three were complaining about how long the group were taking on each hole Finally they spotted the green keeper so they decided to have a word with him That s a group of blind firefighters explained the green keeper They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year So we let them play here any time free of charge The priest said That s so sad I think I ll say a special prayer for them tonight The doctor said That s a good idea And I m going to consult all my textbooks to see if there isn t anything that can be done for them The lawyer said Why can t these guys play at night?

Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday afternoon Teeing off from the 17th he sliced into the rough over near the edge of the fairway Just as he was about to chip out he noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street Reverently George removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed Then he continued his game finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth Later at the clubhouse a fellow golfer greet George Say that was a nice gesture you made today George What do you mean? asked George Well it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand respectfully when that funeral went by the friend replied Oh yes said George Well we were married 17 years you know

Bill wasn t a very good golfer but he sure dressed like one He had a wicked slice that prevented him from ever reaching the green in two strokes but on the day of the company golf tournament no one could deny that he looked pretty sharp on the tee That day as usual Bill sent his first drive deep into the woods You ll never hit it out of there his friends insisted As God is my witness I m gonna make the green in two if it kills me Bill replied With that he smacked the ball as hard as he could It hit the tree in front of him and came straight back and hit him right between the eyes and he died When Bill appeared at the pearly gates St Peter looked at him and said Well I can see by your outfit that you re a golfer Are you any good? Bill replied I got here in two didn t I?

During my medical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level I described a typical day this way: Well yesterday afternoon I took a five hour walk about 7 miaDuring my medical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level I described a typical day this way: Well yesterday afternoon I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain I waded along the edge of a lake I pushed my way through brambles I got sand in my shoes and my eyes and I avoided standing on a snake I climbed several rocky hills I took a few leaks behind some big trees The mental stress of it all left me shattered At the end of it all I drank eight beers Inspired by the story the doctor said You must be one hell of an outdoors man No I replied just a shitty golfe

Paul and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip Unfortunately he had to tell them that he couldn t go because his wife wouldn t let him After a lot of teasing and name calling Paul headed home totally frustrated The following week when Paul s buddies arrived at the golf resort they were shocked to see Paul sitting in the lobby drinking a beer holding his putter How did you talk your wife into letting you go Paul? I didn t have to Paul replied Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows Then my wife sneaked up behind me and covered my eyes and said Surprise When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want so here I am

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart Elizabeth a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota heard the noise and called out Are you okay what s your name? It s Jack and I m OK thanks I replied Jack forget your troubles Come to my villa rest a while and I ll help you get the cart up later That s mighty nice of you I answered but I don t think my wife would like it Oh come on Elizabeth insisted She was very pretty and persuasive Well okay I finally agreed and added but my wife won t like it After a restorative brandy and some driving and putting lessons I thanked my host I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset Don t be silly ` Elizabeth said with a smile She won t know anything By the way where is she? Under the cart I said

Golfer: Think I m going to drown myself in the lake Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long? Golfer: I d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course Caddy: Try heaven you ve already moved most of the earth Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddy: Yes sir you miss the ball much closer now Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron? Caddy: Eventually Golfer: You ve got to be the worst caddy in the world Caddy: I don t think so sir That would be too much of a coincidence Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time It s too much of A distraction Caddy: It s not a watch : it s a compass Golfer: How do you like my game? Caddy: Very good sir but personally I prefer golf Golfer: Do you think it s a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: The way you play sir it s a sin on any day Golfer: This is the worst course I ve ever played on Caddy: This isn t the golf course We left that an hour ago Best Caddy Comment Golfer: That can t be my ball it s too old Caddy: It s been a long time since we teed off si

10 Golfer: Think I m going to drown myself in the lake Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long? 9 Golfer: I d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course Caddy: Try heaven you ve already moved most of the earth 8 Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddy: Yes sir you miss the ball much closer now 7 Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron? Caddy: Eventually 6 Golfer: You ve got to be the worst caddy in the world Caddy: I don t think so sir That would be too much of a coincidence 5 Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time It s too much of a distraction Caddy: It s not a watch - it s a compass 4 Golfer: How do you like my game? Caddy: Very good sir but personally I prefer golf 3 Golfer: Do you think it s a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: The way you play sir it s a sin on any day 2 Golfer: This is the worst course I ve ever played on Caddy: This isn t the golf course We left that an hour ago and the 1 best caddy comment 1 Golfer: That can t be my ball it s too old Caddy: It s been a long time since we teed off si