5 minutes ago you were travelling to office at 80 mph in your brand new car Now you are travelling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance You wish there was UNDO in life You are already late and your key is missing You wish there was FIND TOOL in life You are a bankrupt after investing in some weird business You wish there was REBUILD ALL in life The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end You wish there was ZOOM VIEW FULL SCREEN in life IF NOT FOR Replace One day you realize that you are turning bald You wish there was CUT PASTE in life After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch You wish there was an EVALUATION PERIOD or at least a sample down load or a DEMO version

There are four engineers traveling in a car One is a mechanical engineer one a chemical engineer one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft The car breaks down Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized We ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again says the mechanical engineer Well says the chemical engineer it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated I think we should clear out the fuel system I thought it might be a grounding problem says the electrical engineer or maybe a faulty plug lead They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say They ask him What do you think? Well I think we should close all the windows get out get back in and open the windows again

Congratulations iPhone 6 launched The best feature of iPhone 6 is that if you hold it upside down it becomes iPhone 9 iPhone users who ve been saying I love my small iPhone Android phones are too big for me all these years Apple just orphaned you Gujjus will not be affected by iPhone 6 launch They will continue to flash their iPhone 4S and say: iPhone Chhe With the launch of iPhone 6 OLX is more excited than Apple as people will sell old phones car house etc to buy iPhone Apple is Chinese all iPhones look the same Dear Apple iPhone-6 Will Be Priced At 70k iPhone-9 Ke Saath Kya Nano Free Milegi ?? iPhone s are like the Golmaal movie: Every new version has the same features but is longer than the previous one iPhone6 costs more than the total money Harman Baweja earned from hi Bollywood caree

Husband is a Software Professional Husband : Good evening dear I am now logged in Wife : Have you brought the ring? Husband : Bad command or File name Wife : But I told in the mornin Husband : Erroneous Syntax Abort? Wife : What about your salary? Husband : File in use Wife : What about my new saree? Husband : Variable not found Wife : At least give me your credit card I want to do some shopping Husband : Sharing Violation Access Denied Wife : Do you love me or do you only like computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters Wife : It was a great mistake that I married a stupid guy like you Husband : Data type mismatch Wife : You are a useless nut Husband : It is by default Wife : By the way who was in the car this morning ? Husband : System is unstable Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn t solve She could not print yellow All the other colors would print fine which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan magenta and yellow For instance green is a combination of cyan and yellow but green printed fine Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow I had the customer change ink cartridges I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers Nothing worked I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas After over two hours of troubleshooting I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?

Husband: (Returning late from work) Good Evening Dear I`m now logged in Wife???: Have you brought the grocery? Husband: Bad command or filename Wife???: But I told you in the morning Husband: Erroneous syntax Abort? Wife???: What about my new TV? Husband: Variable not found Wife???: At least give me your Credit Card I want to do some shopping Husband: Sharing Violation Access denied Wife???: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband: Too many parameters Wife???: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you Husband: Data type mismatch Wife???: You are useless Husband: It`s by Default Wife???: What about your Salary? Husband: File in use Try later Wife???: What is my value in the family Husband: Unknown Virus MORAL: Beware before getting married to an IT pro

This story is set during the early part of this century when steam trains were still commonplace Two men were going to go on a journey by rail They`d never been on a train before and were rather nervous They decided to take some oranges on the train with them as eating oranges might help take their minds off the journey The men bought their tickets and got on the train They bought the cheapest tickets which were for the third class carriage Third class had bare wooden seats and no lights In spite of this the two men began to quite enjoy the journey After half an hour or so the two men decided to have an orange each Just as the first man began to eat the train entered a tunnel Have you eaten your orange yet? asked the first man No said the second man Well don`t touch it said the first man I took one bite and went blind

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana s death Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel driving a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines This is sent to you by an American using Bill Gates s technology and you re probably reading this on your computer that use Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant transported by Indian lorry-drivers hijacked by Indonesians unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by Mexican illegals That my friends is Globalization

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried Turning to the other two engineers he said `At Wipro we are trained to be extremely thorough ` The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel He turned and said `At TCS not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient ` The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door shouting over his shoulder `At INFY we don`t pee on our hands `

PCMCIA - People Can`t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN - It Still Does Nothing SCSI - System Can`t See It DOS - Defective Operating System BASIC - Bill`s Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM - I Blame Microsoft DEC - Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM - Consumer Device Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 - Obsolete Soon Too WWW - World Wide Wait MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP - Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company They both had the same qualifications In order to determine which individual to hire the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department Manager Upon completion of the test both men missed only one of the questions The manager went to the first applicant and said Thank you for your interest but we`ve decided to give the job to the other applicant And why would you be doing that ? We both got 9 questions correct asked the rejected applicant We have based our decision not on the correct answers but on the question you missed said the Department manager And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other? the rejected applicant inquired Simple said the Department manager Your fellow applicant put down on question No 5 `I don`t know` and You put down `Neither do I `

Your opening line is: So what`s your homepage address? You see a beautiful sunset and you half-expect to see Enhanced for Netscape 4 on one of the clouds You are overcome with disbelief anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links You felt driven to consult the Cool Page of the Day on your wedding day Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death and you desperately look for the Back button You visit The Really Big Button That Doesn`t Do Anything again and again and again Your dog has his own webpage So does your hamster When you read a magazine you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: You`re all part of our team now You can earn good money here and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat So don`t trouble the other employees The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees A month later the boss returns and says: You`re all working very hard and I`m very satisfied with all of you However one of our cleaners has disappeared Do any of you know what happened to her? The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner After the boss left the leader of the cannibals says to the others: Which of you idiots ate the cleaner? A hand raises hesitantly to which the leader of the cannibals says: You fool For four weeks we`ve been eating Team Leaders Managers and Project Managers so no one would notice anything and you have to go and eat the cleane

Microsoft to sell Ad space in error messages Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a general protection fault or Illegal operation warning We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it said Microsoft marketing director The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages

A priest a drunkard and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate The priest says that he would like to die face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat So they release the drunkard as well The engineer is next He too decides to die facing up They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer says Hey I see what your problem is