Perhaps you ve heard of the man who thought he was dead when in reality he was very much alive His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive Nothing seemed to work Finally the doctor tried one last approach He took out his medical book and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don t bleed After hours of tedious study the patient seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed Do you now agree that dead men don t bleed? the doctor asked Yes I do the patient replied Very well then the doctor said He took out a pin and pricked the patient s finger Out came a trickle of blood The doctor asked What does that tell you? Oh my goodness the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger Dead men do bleed

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on The first surgeon says I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered The second responds Yeah but you should try electricians Everything inside them is colour-coded The third surgeon says No I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order The fourth surgeon chimes in You know I like construction workers Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed You re all wrong Politicians are the easiest to operate on There s no guts no heart no balls no brains and no spine and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly again The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor`s in a month for a final check on the new equipment After some tests the doctor proclaimed Your hearing is perfect Thank you for helping me replied the elderly man You`re welcome said the doctor Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again Oh I haven`t told them yet I just sit around and listen to the conversations I used to miss replied the elderly gentleman Really? questioned the doctor You must still be marveling at being able to hear again and just not ready to believe it yourself That must be why you haven`t told them Well no that`s not it exactly but I have changed my will three times

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life so she didn`t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature the lights the skimpy gown the food and the mattress especially the mattress Suddenly Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button attached to a cord `What`s that?` she demanded `If you need anything in the middle of the night Grandma ` said one of the interns `just press that button ` `What does it do ring a bell?` she asked No it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty ` the intern replied `A light in the hall?` responded Grandma `Look I`m the sick one around here If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall she can get up and switch it on herself `

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships Isn`t there some way to judge the size of a man`s equipment from the outside? she asked earnestly The only foolproof way is by the size of his feet counseled the therapist So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on She took him out to dinner wined and dined him and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon When the man woke up the next morning the woman had already gone but by the bedside table was 2000 rupees and a note that read With my compliments take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you

An old man goes to his doctor complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation The doctor checks out his leg but can t find anything wrong So he gives the old guy a full physical exam and still can t come up with any possible explanation for the pain The doctor hands the patient his bill and says I m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age there s nothing I can do about it The old man replies with a look of disbelief That s impossible That can t be The Doctor says What do you mean? I m the expert here; if you know so much how can you say it s NOT old age? The patient answers I m no doctor but it doesn t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong Clearly you re mistaken After all my other leg feels just fine So what? says the doctor What difference does that make? Well it doesn t hurt a bit and it s the same age

A dentist had an old lady patient who was very hard to handle As soon as she sat in the chair she panicked and would clamp her mouth shut so firmly that he couldn t get it open to work on her teeth One afternoon on about the third try to treat the old lady the dentist figured out a way to get the job done He excused himself from the old lady went back to the reception desk and told his receptionist that as soon as he was ready to work on the old lady s teeth she was to move up behind her and jab her in the rear with a long pin Well the receptionist did what she was told and sure enough the old lady opened her mouth to holler and that opening maintained with a pry to keep it that way got the job done Finally finishing with his work the dentist said Well now that wasn t so bad was it? Nope not so bad said the old lady But I ll tell you this I never expected to feel the pain of a toothache way down in my ass

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1 000 000 pounds on the football pools Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news suggested the eldest son The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him Now you don t have to worry about anything said the doctor I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently I assure you there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health Everything will be quite safe if left to me The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools Tell me said the doctor what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds? Why replied the old lady I d give half of it to you of course The doctor fell down dead with shock

This guy goes to the doctor after being constipated for two weeks The doctor prescribes a heavy-duty laxative and tells him to take two when he gets home The guy goes home to his fourth story apartment pops two of the pills and lays down for a nap When he awakens he finds that the laxative is so powerful that he has relieved two weeks worth of blockage all over the bed as he slept Totally disgusted the man toils over what to do with the mess and finally decides to bundle up the sheets and pitch them out the window About this time a wino comes walking along still hung-over from the night before and splat The sheet lands Right Square on his head After struggling for a few minutes the wino gets free of the sheet and as he s standing there looking at it a policeman strolls up after seeing him wrestling with it What s going on here? inquires the officer I m not too sure replies the wino but I m pretty sure I just beat the shit out of a ghost

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor s office As he approached the desk the receptionist said Yes sir what are you seeing the doctor for today? There s something wrong with my dick he replied The receptionist became irritated and said You shouldn t come into a crowded office and say things like that Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you he said The receptionist replied You ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private The man walked out waited several minutes and then re-entered The receptionist smiled smugly and asked Yes? There s something wrong with my ear he stated The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her advice And what is wrong with your ear Sir? I can t piss out of it the man replied The doctor s office erupted in laughte

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart One of the students said I m sure he has Petry Syndrome Those people walk just like that The other student says No I don t think so The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome He walks just as we learned in class Since they couldn t agree they decided to ask the old man They approached him and one of the students said to him We re medical students and couldn t help but notice the way you walk but we couldn t agree on the syndrome you might have Could you tell us what it is? The old man said I ll tell you but first you ll tell me what you think One of the students said I think it s Petry Syndrome The old man said You thought but you are wrong Then the other student said I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome The old man said You thought but you are wrong So they asked him Well what do you have? The old man said: I thought it was GAS but I was wrong

A new miracle doctor was in town He could cure anything and anybody and everyone was amazed with what he can do Everyone except for Mr Smith the town grouch So Mr Smith went to this miracle doctor to prove that he wasn t anybody special Hey doc I have lost my sense of taste I can t taste nothin so what are ya goin to do? The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little then tells Mr Smith What you need is jar number 43 Jar number 43? Mr Smith wonders So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr Smith to taste it He tastes it and immediately spits it out This is gross he yells I just restored your sense of taste Mr Smith says the doctor That will be 100 So Mr Smith goes home very mad One month later Mr Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem Doc he starts I can t remember The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr Smith What you need is jar number 43 Before the doctor finished his sentence Mr Smith fled the office

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart One of the students said to his friend I m sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that The other student says No I don t think so The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome he walks just like we learned in class Since they couldn t agree they decided to ask the old man They approached the old man and one of the students said to him We re medical students and couldn t ignore the way you walk but we couldn t agree on the syndrome you might have Could you tell us what it is? The old man said I ll tell you but first you ll tell me what you think? Then one of the students said I think it s Petry Syndrome And the old man said You thought but you re wrong Then the other student said I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome And the old man said You thought but you re wrong So they asked him So what do you have? And the old man said I thought I needed to fart I thought but I was wrong

A new miracle doctor was in town He could cure anything and anybody and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Banta the town s grouch So Banta went to this Miracle Doctor to prove that he wasn t so miraculous He goes and tells the doctor Hey doc I have lost my sense of taste I can t taste nothing so what are you going to do? The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little then tell Banta What you need is jar number 43 Jar number 43? Banta wonders So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Banta to taste it He tastes it and immediately spits it out This is Shit he yells I just restored your sense of taste Banta says the doctor So Banta goes home very mad One month later Banta goes back to the doctor along with a new problem Doc he starts I can t remember Thinking he got the doctor the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little Then tells Banta What you need is jar number 43 Before the doctor finished his sentence Banta fled the office

Two Proctologists were at a medical conference in a resort in outback Australia They decided to enjoy the local highlights from the back of a camel for A 20 The owner warned them that the camel was highly trained to do the rounds of the town stop briefly at the highlights then return them to the start of the ride Under no circumstances he warned them were they to get off the camel otherwise it would return to it s home to eat grass After some time there was no sign of the camel or doctors and people in queue for the ride were complaining The owner was losing a lot of money Eventually the two doctors could be seen forlornly walking back to the operator Please don t tell me you got off? asked the owner incredulously when they arrived We re sorry but we did they said together despondently But why?…Why would you get off when I told you not to? Well…the camel slowed down at a sight…and a man came along in a Holden wound the window down and yelled Look at the two arseholes on the camel …and ……… well we couldn t resist having a look