Nikhil and Mona were newlyweds Nikhil thought this would be a modern marriage meaning they would each play equal roles So the first morning after their honeymoon he brought Mona breakfast in bed However Mona wasn t at all impressed by his culinary skills Looking disdainfully at the tray she snorted A poached egg? I wanted scrambled Undaunted the following morning Nikhil brought his new bride a scrambled egg Unfortunately Mona wasn t satisfied Did you ever stop to think that perhaps I like variety? she snapped I wanted poached this morning Determined to please her the next morning he brought her two eggs… one poached and one scrambled Here my darling enjoy he said cheerfully Mona was infuriated You scrambled the wrong egg she screamed

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that considering her record he was forced to impose a jail term This time you stole a can of tomatoes There were six tomatoes in the can Do you agree? The woman agreed Then I sentence you to six nights in jail The husband jumped to his feet addressing the judge Your honor may I approach the bench? Well said his honor this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case You may approach the bench The husband wasted no time getting there and leaning forward he said in a low voice She also stole a can of peas

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen Careful he said CAREFUL Put in some more butter Oh my GOD You re cooking too many at once TOO MANY Turn them TURN THEM NOW We need more butter Oh my GOD WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They re going to STICK Careful CAREFUL I said be CAREFUL You NEVER listen to me when you re cooking Never Turn them Hurry up Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don t forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the salt USE THE SALT THE SALT The wife stared at him What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don t know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife s activities A week later the detective returned with a video They sat down together to watch it Although the quality was less than professional the man saw his wife meeting another man He saw the two of them laughing in the park He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee I just can t believe this the distraught husband said The detective said What s not to believe? It s right up there on the screen The husband replied I can t believe that my wife could be so much fun

There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon but couldn`t because of their wives objections So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today The second said That`s nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today The third said Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn`t have to buy my wife anything They both looked at him and asked how he managed that The smartest of the three said It was easy when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked Golf course or Intercourse? She threw me a sweater and said Take this it might get chilly out there

Rita was standing vigil over her husband s deathbed As she held his hand her warm tears ran silently down her face splashed onto his face and roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly My darling he whispered Hush my love she said Go back to sleep Shhh Don t talk But he was insistent Rita he said in his tired voice I have to talk I have something I must confess to you There s nothing to confess replied the weeping Rita It s all right Everything s all right go to sleep now No no I must die in peace Rita I slept with your sister your best friend and your mother Rita mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand Hush now dear don t torment yourself I know all about it she said Now you be still and let the poison work

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide The pharmacist said “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said “Lord have mercy – I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband That’s against the law I’ll lose my license they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen Absolutely not you can NOT have any cyanide ” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife The pharmacist looked at the picture again and replied “Well now You didn’t tell me you had a prescription ”

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen Careful Careful Put in some more butter Oh my God You re cooking too many at once Too many Turn them Turn them now We need more butter Oh my God Where are we going to get more butter? They re going to stick Careful Careful I said be careful You never listen to me when you re cooking Never Turn them Hurry up Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don t forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the salt Use the salt The salt The wife stared at him and asked What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don t know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving with you in the ca

Two women friends met after many years Tell me said one What happened to your son? My son? the poor poor lad sighed the other What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won t do a stitch of work in the house She won t cook she won t sew she won t wash or clean All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed would you believe it? That s really awful And what about your daughter? Ah now she s the lucky one She married an angel He won t let her do anything in the house He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed

A maid asks for a pay rise “Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house “Well there are three reasons ” replies the maid “Firstly I iron better than you ” “Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house “Your husband said so ” replies the maid “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you ” “Nonsense ” says the lady of the house “Who said you are a better cook than me?” “Your husband ” replies the maid “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you ” “Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house “No the driver did ” The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day

Little Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty Most people deserve each other All the good ones no matter what it is are taken The one who snores will fall asleep first The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind If you help a relative in need he/she will remember you the next time they are in need The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed

A police officer though scheduled for all-night duty at the station was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule at 2 in the morning Not wanting to wake his wife he undressed in the dark crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed Just then his wife sleepily sat up and said Mike dearest would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I ve got a splitting headache Certainly honey he said and feeling his way across the dark room he got dressed and walked over to the drug store As he arrived the pharmacist looked up in surprise Say said the druggist I know you - aren t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick right? Yeah so? said the officer Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?

Sunny is almost 35 years old his friends have already gotten married and Sunny just dates and dates Finally a friend asks him What s the matter are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can t you find anyone who suits you? No Sunny replies I meet many nice girls but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents my Mother doesn t like them So I keep on looking Listen his friend suggests Why don t you find a girl who s just like your dear ole Mother? Sunny weeks go by and again Sunny and his friend get together So Sunny Did you find the perfect girl yet One that s just like your Mother? Sunny shrugs his shoulders Yes I found one just like Mom My mother loved her they became fast friends Are you and this girl engaged yet? I m afraid not my Father can t stand he

On their first night to be together the newlywed couple goes to change The new bride comes out of the bathroom all showered and wearing her beautiful robe The proud husband says My dear we are married now you can open your robe The beautiful young woman opens her robe and he is astonished Oh oh aaaahhh he exclaims My God you are so beautiful let me take your picture Puzzled she asks MY picture? He answers Yes my dear so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever She smiles and he takes her picture and then he heads into the bathroom to shower He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks Why do you wear a robe? We are married now At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims OH OH OH MY let me get a picture He beams and asks Why? She answers SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase What happened ? she asks anxiously What happened I ll tell you what happened I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip I get home and guess what I found? Yes your daughter my wife with a guy in our marital bed This is unforgivable the end of our marriage I m done I m leaving forever Calm down calm down says his mother-in-law There is something very odd going on here My daughter would never do such a thing There must be a simple explanation I ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened Moments later the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile I told you there must be a simple explanation she didn t receive your E-mail