It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman with a baby in her arms entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16 She agreed He had been counting the years off on his calendar and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week came into the shop and said I ll be 16 tomorrow I know said the butcher with a smile I ve been counting too tell your mother when you take this parcel of meat home that it is the last free meat she ll get and watch the expression on her face When the boy arrived home he told his mother The woman nodded and said Son go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread free milk and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face
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One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender The bartender got angry grabbed the drunk by the collar pulled him close to his face and asked Why did you do that? The drunk said very apologetically I am so very sorry sir Please forgive me I can t help it It s an illness I can t get rid of I am so ashamed of it How can I make it up to you? The bartender answered Haven t you seen anyone about this problem? The drunk replied I never thought of that Maybe I will The bartender said Don t come back until you do get help and the drunk left About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar ordered another gin and tonic drank half of it and poured the rest of it on the bartender The bartender shouted I thought I told you not to come back until you got help The drunk replied I did Now I don t feel ashamed
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink Unfortunately the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers which he was When he finished his drink he found his horse had been stolen He goes back into the bar handily flips his gun into the air catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled with surprising forcefulness No one answered ALRIGHT I`M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER AND IF MY HOSS AIN`T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH I`M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS AND I DON`T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS Some of the locals shifted restlessly He had another beer walked outside and his horse is back He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks Say partner before you go what happened in Texas? The cowboy turned back and said I had to walk home
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An Irishman s been drinking at a pub all night The bartender finally says that the bar is closing So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face He tries to stand one more time same result He figures he ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face He crawls through the door into his bedroom When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him So you ve been out drinking again What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look The pub called you left your wheelchair there again
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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar What ll you have? The guy answers A scotch please The bartender hands him the drink and says That ll be five dollars The guy replies What are you talking about? I don t owe you anything for this A lawyer sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation then says to the bartender You know he s got you there In the original offer which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance there was no stipulation of remuneration The bartender says Okay you beat me for a drink But don t ever let me catch you in here again The next day same guy walks into the bar Bartender says What the heck are you doing in here? I can t believe you ve got the audacity to come back The guy says What are you talking about? I ve never been in this place in my life The bartender replies I m very sorry but this is uncanny You must have a double To which the guy replies Thank you Make it a scotch
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On the top of a tall building in a large city there was a bar In this bar a man was drinking heavily He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot then walk out to the balcony and jump off Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him Finally he went up to the man and asked Hey you keep drinking then jumping off the balcony And yet minutes later you re back again How do you do it? Well said the other man the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground I slow down and land gently It s lot of fun You should try it The guy who was also quite drunk thought to himself Hey why not? So he goes out to the balcony jumps off and seconds laterhe has splatted straight onto the ground stone dead The bartender looks over to the other guy and says Superman you can be a complete as*hole when you are drunk
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A large woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a Bar She raised her right arm revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her But down at the end of the bar an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed Give the ballerina a drink The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said Give the ballerina another drink The bartender approached the little drunk and said Tell me it s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink but why do you keep calling her a ballerina? The drunk replied Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina
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Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life the reporter asked The three old men agreed The first old man was asked his secret to his long life I never drank alcohol I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years Wow that`s really remarkable said the reporter And how old are you? he asked the first old man I`m 93 said the man The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life I drank on occasion I smoked but not often and I dated some And how old are you? asked the reporter I`m 91 said the old man Finally the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life I dated every woman that would go out with me I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day Wow said the reporter And how old are you? 29 replied the man
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This guy who stutters badly walks into a Bar and says Ssay Bbbartender gggimme a bbbeer The Bartender who is badly Humpbacked serves him a beer and says That will be Rs 200 please The Guy thinks that s pretty high priced and says Ddddamn Ttthat s hhhigh The Bartender says Yes but that s our price that s what we get The guy pays him and drinks it down He then says Sssay Bbbartender gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says That will be Rs 300 please The guy says Ddddamn Ttthat s hhhigh The Bartender says Yes but that s our price that s what we get The guy pays him drinks his whiskey and before leaving he says Bbbartender tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere The Bartender replied Oh that s OK I want to thank you for not making fun of my Humpback while you were in here The Guy says Oh ttthat s OK eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh I ttthougt it wwas yyour Bbbutt
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender I want you to give me 12-year scotch and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch The man takes a sip scowls and says Bartender this crap is 5-year scotch I told you I want 12-year scotch The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch The man takes a sip grimaces and says Bartender I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth Give me 12-year scotch Impressed the bartender gets the 12-year scotch the man takes a sip and sighs Ah now that`s the real thing A disgusting grimy stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says Hey I think that`s really far out what you can do Try this one The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries Yechhh This stuff tastes like piss The drunk`s eyes light up and he says Yeah now how old am I?
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he figured that the latest episode was just that so he stayed put Suddenly however he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him The drunk started yelling cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the sheets He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident walked up to him and asked what the hell is going on? The drunk still staring down at the sheets replied I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost
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A man in the pub orders a beer He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm So he mentions something to the bartender who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer Then it it`s time to pay and instead of giving three 1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter The bartender is upset and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a 5 dollar bill The bartender thinks: Okay business is business and lets him in Again The beer is kind of warm but the guy doesn`t say anything Comes time to pay the man gives him the 5 bill The bartender goes To the register to get the change but instead of taking out two 1 dollar bills he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub The bartender says: There is your bloody change The man looks around and remains quite calm He takes out 10 dimes throws them behind the counter and says: Gimme another bee
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A guy walks into a bar with his girlfriend A very drunk man in the bar looks at the girl and says loudly If you were my woman I would lick you from top to bottom like a lollipop The boyfriend is angered and starts to get up to kick the drunken guy s ass The girlfriend stops him telling him she does not want a scene The drunken man then walks over to her and tries to give her a big sloppy kiss The boyfriend pulls him off and is about to beat him to a pulp but the girlfriend pulls him away If that guy even looks at you again I m going to kill him the boyfriend declared After a couple of minutes the drunk came over to the couple again and said If you were my woman I d turn you upside-down fill your pussy with beer and drink you dry with one swallow The boyfriend just took the girl s arm and started to walk her quietly out of the bar She asked him why he was not trying to pound the drunk into the ground for dishonoring her He replied If he can drink that much beer he s a better than than I am
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The young man was on his first date with the gorgeous young woman and decided to impress her with his abilities in wine tasting He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district vineyard Upon tasting the wine the young man scolded the wine steward This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N Coast vineyards near Calistoga please bring me what I ordered As the second bottle was poured the oenophile tasted the wine and proclaimed No no no this is a 1985 all right but it s from their Mt Helena vineyards An old drunk sat watching the display from the bar and staggered over to the couple s table He said Wow that s an impressive talent you have there can you tell me what s in this glass? Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date the young man tasted the liquid in the drunk s glass Geez that tastes like urine the fellow yelped as he spit the mouthful out That s right exclaimed the drunk Now tell me when and where I was born
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Two Irishmen Murphy and Brian grew up in the same village together They were friends all their lives married a pair of sisters and lived just down the street from one another But now Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed surrounded by his friends He calls Brian come here Brian I have a request for you Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down Brian we`ve been friends all our lives and now I`m dying here I have one last request for you to do Brian bursts into tears Anything Murphy anything you wish It`s done Well under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland Bottled the year I was born it was After I die and they plant me in the ground I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I`ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend`s request It is a fine thing you ask of me and I will pour the whiskey But might I strain it through me kidneys first?
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