There was this little guy sitting inside a bar just looking at his drink After he didn t move for a half-an-hour this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him took the drink from the guy and just drank it all down The poor man started crying The truck driver turned and said Come on Man I was just joking Here I ll buy you another drink I just can t stand to see a man crying No it s not that the man replied Today is the worst day of my life First I overslept and was late for an important meeting My boss became outraged and then fired me When I left the building to my car I found out that it was stolen The police said they could do nothing I then got a cab to return home and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab I got home only to find my wife was in bed with my best friend The man was really sobbing now I left home depressed and come to this bar And now just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life you show up and drink my poison
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A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts Three in the bullseye and win a prize Only a dollar for three darts The drunk agrees and throws the first dart A bullseye He downs another drink takes aim on wobbly feet lets go Two bulls eyes Two more quick drinks go down Barely able to stand he lets go of the last dart Three bulls eyes All are astounded No one has ever won before The bartender searches for a prize grabs a turtle from the bar s terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize Three weeks pass the drunk returns and orders more drinks then announces he would like to try the dart game again To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize The bartender being a sort of drunk himself and a bit short of memory doesn t know what to give so he asks the drunk Say what did you win the last time? And the drunk responds A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll
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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple Waiting for things to get started they were somewhat shocked to see the bride s father storm up the aisle jacket off sleeves rolled up and obviously very angry The weddin s off he shouted Everybody bugger off Dismayed and muttering the guests repaired to the parking lot grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer One guest a friend of the bride s father held back and approached him What s the problem? he asked Someone stole a keg (barrel) of beer and some bastard fucked the bride exclaimed the father The guest taken aback and rendered speechless left the church joining the other farmers A few minutes later the father reappeared and yelled All right Everyone back inside The weddin s on again As the farmers filed back into the church the friend again approached the father of the bride and asked What happened to make you change your mind? Grinning sheepishly he replied Oh well we uh we found the keg of bee
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Joe spent the evening tossing down a number of beers at the local bar It was after eleven o clock when he finally staggered out into the cold and rainy night in an attempt to find his way home With the weather as bad as it was he soon became lost and found himself wandering through the town Cemetery He slipped while walking and fell headlong into a freshly dug grave In his condition the rain and mud proved too much to handle and he couldn t manage to climb out Help he cried out Help I m so cold A little while later another over indulged inebriant left the bar As luck would have it the second man was nearby when he heard Joe cry Help I m so cold Joe continued to call The other man staggered in the direction of the voice It got louder and louder as he neared the cemetery Help I m cold Help I m cold The second man followed the voice and approached the grave As he peered over the side Joe looked up and yelled one more time Help I m cold Of course you re cold replied the second drunk peering down You ve kicked off all your dirt
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John was sitting outside his local pub one day enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink You should be ashamed of yourself young man Drinking is a Sin Alcohol is the blood of the devil Now John gets pretty annoyed about this and goes on the offensive How do *you* know Sister? My Mother Superior told me so But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right? Don`t be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life How could I a Nun sit outside this public house drinking? I`ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you them no-one will know The Nun reluctantly agrees so John goes inside to the bar Another pint for me and a triple vodka on the rocks then he lowers his voice and says to the barman and could you put the vodka in a teacup? Oh no It`s not that drunken Nun again is it?
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There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar Hey bartender said the Engineer I`ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there The bartender responded I`m sorry sir but that guy`s a communist and we don`t serve his kind around here Well you`d better because if it weren`t for that guy I wouldn`t be here You remember that mine that caved in well I was in that mine and so was that guy When the last of us were escaping he held the roof of the mine up with his head So get him a beer and if you don`t believe me look at the top of his head and you`ll see that it`s flat from holding the roof up The bartender skeptically served the communist his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn`t help noticing the bruising under his chin What is that all about? The engineer responded: Oh that`s where we put the jack
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man He reflexively reached out grabbed it out of the air and handed it back Oh my I am so sorry the woman said as she popped her eye back in place Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks They talked they laughed she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his She listened to him with interest After paying for everything she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast They had a wonderful wonderful time The next morning she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings The guy was amazed Everything had been so incredible You know he said you are the perfect woman Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No she replies You just happened to catch my eye
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A drunk walks into a bar and says Bartender buy everyone in the house a drink pour yourself one and give me the bill So the bartender does just that and hands the man the bill The drunk says I haven`t got it The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says Bartender buy everyone in the house a drink pour yourself one and give me the bill The bartender figures that he can`t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt He pours a round of drinks for the house has a drink himself and hands the drunk the bill Again the drunk says I haven`t got it The bartender can`t believe it He picks the guy up beats the living daylights out of him and then throws him out into the street The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says Bartender buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill In disgust the bartender says What no drink for me this time? The drunk replies Nope You get too violent when you drink
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There was a businessman and he was feeling really crook and he went to see the Doctor about it The doctor says to him Well it must be your diet what sort of greens do you eat? The man replies Well actually I only eat peas I hate all other green foods The doctor was quite shocked at this and says Well man that s your problem all those peas will be clogging up your system you ll have to give them up The guy says But how long for I mean I really like peas The doctor replies Forever I m afraid The man is quite shocked by this but he gives it a go and sure enough his condition improves so he realises that he will never eat a pea again Anyway one night years later he s at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed One of the reps says Well actually I d love a cigarette because I haven t had a smoke in four years I gave it up Quite a shocker really and the barman goes Really I haven t had a game of golf in 3 years because it cost me my first marriage so i gave it up The businessman says That s nothing I haven t had a pea in 7 years The barman jumps up screaming Ok everyone who can t swim grab a table
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Since today is 31st December these some Self-Care Tips for drunkards will be useful 1 Symptom : Cold and humid feet Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet) Cure: Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward 2 Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights Cause: You re lying on the floor Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor 3 Symptom: The floor looks blurry Cause: Looking through an empty glass Cure: Quickly refill your glass 4 Symptom: The floor is moving Cause: You re being dragged away Cure: At least ask where they re taking you 5 Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself 6 Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny Cause: You re in the wrong house Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house 7 Symptom: The room is shaking a lot everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive Cause: You re in an ambulance Cure: Don t move Let the professionals do their job ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST
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Bob came home drunk one night slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St Peter said You died in your sleep Bob Bob was stunned I m dead? No I can t be I ve got too much to live for Send me back Please St Peter said I m sorry but there s only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken Bob was devastated but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his home The next thing he knew he was covered with feathers clucking and pecking the ground A rooster strolled past So you re the new hen huh? How s your first day here? Not bad replied Bob the hen but I have this strange feeling inside Like I m gonna explode You re ovulating explained the rooster Don t tell me you ve never laid an egg before? Never said Bob Well just relax and let it happen says the rooster It s no big deal Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later out popped an egg Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming As he was about to lay his third egg he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yelling BOB wake up goddammit You just shit the bed
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Two guys are sitting at a bar After a bunch of drinks over several hours one guy hiccups drops his head down to his chest pushes himself away from the bar and proceeds to hurl all over himself Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve he says Man I gotta go home I m already two hours late and now I ve thrown up all over myself My wife is gonna kill me The second guy turns to the first and says Naw she won t Listen you got twenty bucks? The first says Yeah why? The second drunk says Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket When you get home and your wife asks what happened you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning I do it all the time The first guy says Great idea Let s have another round and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours Eventually they head home Sure enough the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him As he walks through the door she takes a look at him and says Look at you You re pathetic You re five hours late drunk as a skunk and you ve got dried puke all over the front of you What have you got to say for yourself ? ? He says Wait honey listen for a second This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned I swear Check my front pocket She reaches in and pulls out the money She says Wait there s 40 bucks in here He says Oh yeah he crapped in my pants too
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An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch The bartender not wanting to give up the good liquor purse a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won t be able to tell the difference The guy downs the Scotch and says This Scotch is only ten years ten years old I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch Amazed the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath they bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot The guy drinks it down and says That was twenty -year old Scotch I asked for forty-year old Scotch So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old scotch The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch Soon the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot The guy downs the scotch and says Now this is forty-year old Scotch The crowd applauds his discriminating palate An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest raise a full shot glass of his own and says Here take a swig of this The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow Immediately he chokes and spits out the liquid on the bar room floor My God That taste like piss he yells Great guess says the drunk Now how old am I?
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A man came home VERY late drunk as a skunk to find his wife waiting for him at the door Where have you been? she screams It s 4 in the morning He says Aww I just stopped at this bar I was only going to have one drink but this bar it was incredible Everything in it was gold-plated They had a gold rail under the bar gold ashtrays they served the drinks in gold shot glasses the table posts were all gold-plated even the mirror behind the bar was gold The cash register was gold I was so amazed by all this gold I just kept ordering drinks and so I could stay in the bar and look at it Hell even when I went to the Men s Room to take a leak they had gold-plated urinals man I want to tell you it was wonderful I don t believe that story for one goddamn minute his wife said What was this place called? Hell he replies I can t remember I got too drunk and I forgot You re gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up or I m going to divorce you she said The next day the man looks through the Yellow Pages under BARS but none of the names ring a bell He decides that he ll call all the bars listed and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments He s called about 50 bars so far and still no luck Finally he calls one bar asks his question and the bartender says that yes they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff Here the man says handing the phone to his wife Ask this bartender if I m lying The wife gets on the line and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night the rail the shot glasses the mirrors the table posts the cash register etc etc Finally she says Now this may seem like a strange question but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals do you? The bartender puts the phone down on the bar and she hears him yell Hey Mike I think I know who pissed in your saxophone
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There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain these two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain finally reaching their car just as the rain let up They jumped in the car started it up and headed down the road laughing and of course still drinking one beer after the other All of a sudden an old man`s face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window The passenger screamed out eeeeekkk Look at my window There`s an old guy`s face there (Was this a ghost? ? ? ?) This old man kept knocking so the driver said well open the window a little and ask him what he wants So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said scared out of his wits What do you want??? The old man softly replied you have any tobacco? The passenger terrified looked at the driver and said He wants tobacco Well offer him a cigarette HURRY the driver replies So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells Step on it rolling up the window in terror Now going about 80 miles an hour they calm down and they start laughing again and the passenger says What do you think of that? The driver says I don`t know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast? Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again Aaaaaaaaaaaaa there he is again the passenger yells Well see what he wants now yells back the driver He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says Yes? Do you have a light? the old man quietly asks The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells STEP ON IT They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer trying to forget what they had just seen and heard when all of a sudden again there is more knocking Oh my God HE`S BACK He rolls down the window and screams out WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW? in stark terror The old man gently replies You want some help getting out of the mud?
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