Santa leaves a bar gets into his car and drives away A mile down the road he`s stopped by a police officer The officer walked up to the driver`s side window holding a Breathalyzer and said Good evening sir We`re testing for drunk driving Would you please blow into this machine? Santa replied I`m sorry I can`t do that I have asthma If I blow in that machine I will get out of air In that case I`m going to have to ask you to come back to the station for a blood test Santa said I can`t do that I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death The officer said `Then you`ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line Can`t do that either said Santa The officer was getting irritated And why not? Because I`m dead drunk

Santa and Banta while in New York trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party The conversation turned to Mozart Absolutely brilliant magnificent a genius Banta wanting to join in the conversation remarked casually Ah Mozart You are so right I love him Only this morning I saw him getting on the No 5 bus going to Long Island There was a sudden hush and everyone looked at him Santa was mortified He pulled him away and whispered We are leaving right now As they drove home he kept muttering to himself Finally Banta turned to him You are angry about something Oh really? You noticed? he sneered I have never been so embarrassed in my life You saw Mozart take the No 5 bus to Long Island? You idiot No 5 bus does not go out to Long Island

Santa was asked to try out a new parachute with a radio link to a guy on the ground the guy on the ground would say when to pull the release cord for the parachute Santa jumped out of the plane and started to fall when he reached a thousand feet the guy on the ground said ok pull the release cord now Santa didn t take any notice and kept falling He got down to 500 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord you are getting close but Santa just ignored him and kept falling He got down to 100 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord Santa still ignored him He got down to 10 feet the guy on the ground said this is your last chance you ll be killed if you don t pull the cord now Santa replied Thats ok I can jump from here

An army Major visiting the sick army men went to one soldier and asked What s your problem Soldier? Chronic syphilis Sir What treatment are you getting? Five minutes with the wire brush each day What s your ambition? To get back to the front Sir Good man said the Major He went to the next bed What s your problem Soldier? Chronic piles Sir What treatment are you getting? Five minutes with the wire brush each day What s your ambition? To get back to the front Sir Good man barked the Major He moved to the next bed where Santa was lying and asked What s your problem Soldier? Chronic gum disease Sir What treatment are you getting? Five minutes with the wire brush each day What s your ambition? To get the wire brush before the other two Si

Banta lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to Banta Sorry sir but you`re only allowed one seat Banta groaned but didn`t budge The usher became impatient Sir the usher said if you don`t get up from there I`m going to have to call the manager Again Banta just groaned which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager In a few moments both the usher and the manager returned and stood over Banta Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him but with no success Finally they summoned the police The cop surveyed the situation briefly All right buddy what`s your name? Banta he moaned Where are you from Banta? the cop asked The balcony

Santa was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr Taneja who was standing off to the side waiting for the service manager Santa who was somewhat of a loud mouth shouted across the garage Hey Banta Is that you? Come over here a minute Dr Taneja a bit surprised walked over to where Santa was working on the car Santa in a loud voice that all could hear said argumentatively So Mr Taneja doctor look at this work I also take valves out grind `em put in new parts and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten So how come you get the big bucks when you and me are doing basically the same work? Dr Taneja very embarrassed shook his head and replied in a soft voice Try doing your work with the engine running

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave I thought that I would do something crazy So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises Santa my co-worker asked me what I was doing I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was Crazy and give me a few days off A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked What in the name of good GOD are you doing? I told him I was a light bulb He said You are clearly stressed out Go home and recuperate for a couple of days I jumped down and walked out of the office When my co-worker Santa followed me the Boss asked him And where do you think you re going? Santa replied I m going home too I can t work in the dark

Subedar Santa and Subedar Imamuddin were in the same regiment in the British Indian Army they were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together The partition separated them as Subedar Imamuddin was absorbed in the Pakistan Army To keep his friend`s memory alive Subedar Santa always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately When somebody asked him why he did so he explained: This glass is Imamuddin`s; this one is mine So I take a sip from each- One on behalf of Imamuddin the other for myself Suddenly one evening Santa was seen with only one glass on his table He was asked what happened He replied You see I have given up drinking but Imamuddin has not So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend

Santa came home from work to find his lovely bride Jeeto sitting in the living room still in her bath robe Jeeto darling he says what s the matter you are still in your robe Ah Dear says Jeeto I was not feeling well I didn t know what to do so I called Doctor Khurana I ll need a specimen he says and hung up I don t know what a specimen is Oh I don t know either Why don t you go up stairs to Mrs Banta and ask her may be she ll be able to tell you Off goes Jeeto bounding up the stairs Soon Santa hears a horrible thump bang and a loud crash Opening his door he sees Jeeto piled up at the bottom of the landing Jeeto what happened? I told Preeto what the doctor said and she told me to just piss in a bottle So I told her to shit in her purse and the fight was on

Santa Banta and one of their friend Sunny tried out for the same job as road stripers The employer told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job At the end of the first day Sunny head had painted 4 miles Banta had painted 3 5 miles and Santa had painted 10 miles The employer was so exited he told Santa to keep it up and the job was his The next day the Sunny painted 6 miles Banta 7 miles and Santa 5 miles The employer told Santa not to worry you still have a good lead So on the third day Sunny had painted 7 miles Banta 8 miles and Santa only two miles The employer was so disappointed he asked Santa What went wrong you were doing so good? Santa said Well that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away

Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love I thought I was in love three times Santa says Thought ? Banta asks What do you mean? Three years ago I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me Santa says Wasn t that love? Banta asks No that was obsession Santa explains Then two years ago I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn t understand me Wasn t that love? asks Banta No that was lust Santa replies And just last year I met a woman while I was on a cruise She was gorgeous intelligent a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor Everywhere I followed her on that ship I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach Well wasn t that love asks Banta No That was motion sickness Santa replies

A plane was taking off from New Delhi Airport After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the pilot made an announnncement over the intercom Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain Banta speaking Welcome to Flight No 333 nonstop from New Delhi to London The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now just sit back and relax Then he quickly yells out loud - OH MY GOD Dead silence followed After a few minutes the pilot comes back on the intercom and says Ladies and Gentlemen I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was speaking the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it all over my lap You should see the front of my pants Santa in Coach shouts back That`s nothing you should see the back of mine

Banta and and son went fishing one day Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do so the son started thinking about the world around him He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions How does this boat float? Banta thought for a moment then replied Don`t rightly know son The boy returned to his contemplation but soon came up with another one How do fish breath underwater? Once again Banta replied Don`t rightly know son A little later the boy asked Banta Why is the sky blue? Again Banta replied Don`t rightly know son Worried he was going to annoy his father he said Dad do you mind my asking you all of these questions? Banta immediately assured him Of course not son If you don`t ask questions you`ll never learn anything

Santa went to a psychiatrist Doc he said I`ve got trouble Every time I get into bed I get this weird feeling that there`s somebody under it I get under the bed to check it out but then I think there`s somebody on top of it I go back and forth all night long on top under on top under You gotta help me Doc I`m going crazy Just put yourself in my hands for two years said the shrink Come to me three times a week and I`ll cure your fears How much do you charge? A hundred dollars per visit I`ll sleep on it said Santa Six months later the doctor met Santa on the street Why didn`t you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars Is that so How did he do that? He told me to cut the legs off the bed

A army trainer was teaching his recruits about survival in the desert What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert? he asked Several hands went up and many important things were suggested such as food matches etc Then Santa in the back eagerly raised his hand Yes Santa what are the three most important things you would bring with you? Santa replied: A compass a canteen of water and a deck of cards Why`s that Santa ? Well answered Santa the compass is to find the right direction the water is to prevent dehydration And what about the deck of cards? asked trainer impatiently Well Sir as soon as you start playing Solitaire someone is bound to come up behind you and say Put that red nine on top of that black ten