Banta asked Santa What is the secret behind your happy married life? Santa said You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other Then absolutely there will be no problems Banta asked Can you explain? Santa said In my house I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues We do not interfere in each others decisions Still not convinced Banta asked him Give me some examples Santa said Smaller issues like which car we should buy how much amount to save when to visit home town which Sofa air conditioner refrigerator to buy monthly expenses whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife I just agree to it Banta asked Then what is your role? Santa said My decisions are only for very big issues Like whether America should attack Syria whether the European Union should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe whether Tendulkar should retire about Salman Khan s Marriage etc Do you know one thing my wife NEVER objects to any of these

Santa is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box The inspector decides to give Santa a pop quiz asking: `What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?` Santa says: `I would switch one train to another track ` `What if the lever broke?` asks the inspector `Then I`d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there` answers Santa `What if that had been struck by lightning?` challenges the inspector `Then ` Santa continued `I`d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box ` `What if the phone was busy?` `In that case ` Santa argued `I`d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station` `What if that had been vandalized?` `Oh well ` said Santa `in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Bhalla` This puzzled the inspector so he asked `Why would you do that?` `Because he`s never seen a train accident `

Santa walks into a bar in Ludhiana and asks for three beers The bartender puts them up and then watches Santa go through a peculiar ritual Happy Birthday happy birthday happy birthday Each time he says the word he drinks the beer Then he pays and walks out One year later he enters the same bar again and orders the same thing The bartender watches him go through the same ritual Curious he asks Santa why Well Santa says I have a friend in Canada and a friend in Sydney We have our birthdays on the same day We can`t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other We have been doing this for 20 years since we were 18 The next year Santa comes in and asks the bartender for two beers The bartender a bit taken aback places two beers in front of Santa and watches him say happy birthday happy birthday The bartender asks So which one died? No one But you only ordered two drinks Yeah well I`ve given up drinking

Banta comes home from work to find total mayhem at home The kids were outside still in their pyajamas playing in the mud and muck There were empty food-boxes and wrappers all around As he proceeded into the house he found an even bigger mess Dishes on the counter dog-food spilled on the floor a broken glass under the table and a small pile of sand by the back door The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing and a lamp had been knocked over Banta headed up the stairs stepping over toys to look for his wife Preeto He was becoming worried that she may be ill or that something had happened to her He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pyajamas on reading a book Preeto looked up at him smiled and asked how his day went Banta looked at her bewildered and asked What happened here today? She again smiled and answered You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today? Yes was Banta`s reply Preeto answered Well today I didn`t do it

Banta came into the bar with a big scowl on his face and ordered a drink The bartender says You look a mite angry What`s wrong? Banta says Well I was in bed with this gal and we heard her husband coming in so I jumped out the window and held on to the window sill He came over to the window and saw me and got this big shit- eating grin on his face Bartender says Well that would make me angry too Banta You don`t understand that`s not what made me mad Well what happened then? Banta says Then he started banging on my fingers trying to make me lose my grip Bartender says Well that would make me mad too You don`t understand that`s not what made me mad Well what happened then ? Banta says Then he got a hammer and started hitting my fingers Ah then THAT`s when you got mad huh? You still don`t understand that`s not what made me mad The pain was so bad that I had to let go of the window sill Oh I see now THAT`s when you got mad No sighed Banta I got mad when I fell 6 inches to the ground

Banta and his friend are out in the country shooting rabbits Suddenly Banta`s friend falls right in front of him throws a quick spasm then lies perfectly still He doesn`t seem to be breathing his eyes are rolled back in his head In fact he looks pretty well dead Quick as a flash horrified Banta whips out his mobile and calls for emergency He gasps breathlessly to the operator My friend just fell to the ground right here in front of me He`s not breathing He has no heartbeat I think he is dead What can I do? Well accustomed to this sort of situation the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone Okay Sir you must try to stay calm If there`s anything that can be done we`ll do it But you will have to keep your cool then we can take it one step at a time Okay now? Sure Sure Of course you`re right I`m fine Just tell me what must I do? Great Now first of all let`s make sure he`s dead The line goes silent then a shot is heard Banta`s voice comes back down the network `OK What next?`

संता: यार बंता मुझे तो हर पराई औरत अपनी बीवी समान लगती है। बंता बौखलाते हुए यह क्या कह रहे हो ? संता: सच कह रहा हूं यार! कसम से किसी भी औरत के सामने चूं तक करने की भी हिम्मत नहीं होती!

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments Banta and his wife Preeto decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw When they arrived at the counselor s office the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion What seems to be the problem? Immediately Banta held his long face down without anything to say On the other hand Preeto began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife the counselor went over to her picked her up by her shoulders kissed her passionately for several minutes and sat her back down Afterwards Preeto sat there - speechless He looked over at Banta who was staring in disbelief at what had happened The counselor spoke to Banta Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week Banta scratched his head and replied I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays

An Irishman an Italian and Banta are in a bar They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place Then the Irishman says Aye this is a nice bar but where I come from back in Dublin there`s a better one At MacDougal`s you buy a drink you buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink The others agree that sounds like a nice place Then the Italian says Yeah that`s a nice bar but where I come from there`s a better one Over in Brooklyn there`s this place Vinny`s At Vinny`s you buy a drink Vinny buys you a drink You buy another drink Vinny buys you another drink Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar Then Banta guy says You think that`s great? Where I come from there`s this place Ludhiana At Ludhiana they buy you your first drink they buy you your second drink they buy you your third drink and then they take you in the back and get you laid Wow said the other two That`s fantastic Did that actually happen to you? No he replied but it happened to my wife

Santa is called for an interview in some firm He lands there on time He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer Officer looks at Santa Then goes thru his certificates and then starts asking him questions Following is the transcript: Officer: Mr Santa after seeing your qualifications credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions If you can answer those then you are selected First we will start with some opposites Santa: Yes Sir Officer started asking questions O: Above Santa: Below O: Front Santa: Back O: Left Santa: Right O: Male Santa: Female O: Ugly (means Next in Punjabi) Santa: Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi) O: Ugly U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it) Santa: Pichhly P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our Santa also spells it) O: U G L Y (Officer shouts) Santa: P I C H H L Y Our Santa also shouts) Officer is now angry O: Get out Santa: Come in O: Quiet please Santa: Talk please O: You are rejected Santa: I am selected and This is how Santa got his jo

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office ready to show it off to his colleagues As he got out a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver`s side The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone dialed 911 and within minutes a policeman pulled up Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions the lawyer started screaming hysterically His Lexus which he had just picked up the day before was now completely ruined and would never be the same no matter what the body shop did to it When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief I can`t believe how materialistic you lawyers are he said You are so focused on your possessions that you don`t notice anything else How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer The cop replied Don`t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you My God screamed the lawyer Where`s my Rolex?

There were three friends Santa Banta and Jugnu in Shimla Once while they were at their local bar they got to talking about how cold it was outside and how cold their residences were They could agree on everything but whose residence was the coldest so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest house They went to Jugnu`s residence where he said Watch this Jugnu poured a cup of water into the air Well the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid Not bad said Santa and Banta So they went to Banta`s residence and he said Watch this Banta took a big breath and exhaled whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor Wow that`s colder than mine said Jugnu But Santa exclaimed that his was colder still So they ended up at Santa`s residence Santa said Watch this Santa went into the bedroom threw back the thick furs and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there He took it put it in a spoon and held a match under it When it heated up enough it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT

Santa finds himself in dire trouble His business has gone bust and he s in serious financial trouble He is so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help He goes into the temple and begins to pray Oh Bhagwan please help me I have lost my business and if I do not get some money I am going to lose my house as well please let me win the lotto Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it Santa goes back to the temple Bhagwan please let me win the lotto I have lost my business my house and I am going to lose my car as well Lotto night comes and Santa still has no luck Back to the temple My Bhagwan why have you forsaken me? I have lost my business my house my car and my wife and children are starving I do not often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you Why won t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ? Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Santa is confronted by the voice of Lord : SANTA BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST

Through the center of Lahore there is the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever) which goes between India and Pakistan In one compartment of the train there are four people A beautiful vivacious young woman an old matronly woman a Pakistani soldier and our own Santa Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel It is completely dark Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap When the train exits the tunnel the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face and Santa is grinning his face off The old matronly woman thinks : Now that is a fine young woman the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one The young woman is thinking : Now that is a strange Pakistani soldier he`d rather kiss that old hag than me The Pakistani soldier is thinking : Now that is a smart Indian he steals the kiss and I get slapped And Santa is thinking : Gee I am smart We go through the tunnel I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Pakistani soldie

Banta was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over 50 lacs Banta was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up Banta said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer The warden said sure and got him a computer A brand new Compaq computer After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor The warden asked Banta what happened Banta said it didn`t work right and he got mad He said it would not even complete the simplest task The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do Banta said he just wanted one thing from the computer One simple task and it could not do it Banta said I hit the escape key and nothing happened I hit the key again and still nothin I am still here I think I will sue Compaq