एक बार संता और बंता पार्क में बैठे अपनी शादी के बारे में बातें कर रहे थे। बंता : यार संता एक बात बता कि मैं ऐसा क्या करूँ कि मैं तेरी शादी के बाद मैं तेरी बीवी को फिल्म दिखाने को लेकर जाऊं और तू नाराज़ भी ना हो? संता खुश होते हुए तू मेरी शादी अपनी बहन के साथ करा दे।
संता को किसी वजह से फांसी की सजा हुई जेलर ने फांसी पर चढ़ाने से पहले संता से पूछा; जेलर: फांसी से पहले किसी से मिलना चाहोगे? संता: हां बीवी से! जेलर: क्यों मां-बाप से नहीं मिलोगे? संता: मां-बाप तो अगला जन्म होते ही मिल जाएंगे बीवी के लिए फिर 21 साल इंतज़ार करना पड़ेगा!
Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab after receiving a letter from Mr Banta To: Bill Gates Microsoft From: Banta Date: 1 April 2011 Subject: Problems with my new computer Dear Mr Bill Gates We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems which I want to bring to your notice 1 There is a button start but there is no stop button We request you to check this 2 One doubt is whether any re-scooter is available in system? I find only re-cycle but I own a scooter at my home 3 There is Find button but it is not working My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this find button but was unable to trace Please rectify this problem 4 My child learnt Microsoft word now he wants to learn Microsoft sentence so when you will provide that? 5 I bought computer CPU mouse and keyboard but there is only one icon which shows My Computer : when you will provide the remaining items? 6 It is surprising that windows says MY Pictures but there is not even a single photo of mine So when will you keep my photo in that 7 There is MICROSOFT OFFICE what about MICROSOFT HOME since I use the PC at home only 8 You provided My Recent Documents When you will provide My Past Documents ? 9 You provide My Network Places For God sake please do not provide My Secret Places I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours Last one Mr Bill Gates P S: Sir how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS ? Regards Banta
एक आदमी मैंगो जूस का गिलास ले कर बैठा था उसका दोस्त आया और फटाक से जूस पी लिया आदमी मेरी तो यार किस्मत ही खराब है बेटा फेल हो गया बीवी दोस्त के साथ भाग गयी घर में चोरी हो गयी नल में पानी नहीं घर में लाइट नहीं अब जूस में ज़हर डाल के पीने को रखा था और वो भी तू पी गया कमीने!
Santa goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight His son is having a nightmare - Santa wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that his aunt had died Santa assures the son that Auntie is fine and sends him to bed The next day Auntie dies One week later Santa again goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight His son is having another nightmare - Santa again wakes his son The son this time says that he had dreamt that his grandmother had died The father assures the son that she is fine and sends him to bed The next day grandmother dies One week later Santa again goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight His son is having another nightmare he again wakes his son The son this time says that he had dreamt that his daddy had died The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed Santa goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified The next day Santa is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision He doesn`t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed He jumps at every noise starts at every movement and hides under his desk After days work upon walking in his front door he finds his wife Jeeto Good God Dear he proclaims I`ve just had the worst day of my entire life Jeeto responds You think your day was bad this morning the milkman dropped dead on the front steps
Santa is appearing on Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC) with Amitabh Bachchan Amitabh: Santa you`re up to Rs Fifty lakhs with one lifeline left: phone a friend If you get it right the next question is worth a crore rupees If you get it wrong you drop back to Rs 3 20 000 Are you ready? Santa: Yes Amitabh: Which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest? Is it A) robin B) sparrow C) cuckoo or D) thrush Santa: I`d like to phone a friend I`d like to call Banta Banta answers the phone: Hello? Amitabh: Hello Banta ji it`s Amitabh Bachchan from KBC I have your friend Santa here who needs your help to answer the final question The next voice you hear will be Santa`s Santa: Banta which of the following birds does not build it`s own nest? Is it A) robin B) sparrow C) cuckoo or D) thrush Banta: Oh geez Santa That`s simple It`s a cuckoo Santa: Are you sure? Banta: I`m sure Amitabh: Santa you heard Banta Do you keep the fifty lakhs or play for one crore? Santa: I want to play; I`ll go with C) cuckoo Amitabh: Is that your final answer? Pam: Yes Amitabh: Confident? Santa: Yes; I think Banta`s pretty smart Amitabh: You said C) cuckoo And you`re right Congratulations you have just won ONE CRORE To celebrate Santa flies Banta to Ludhiana That night they go out on the town As they`re sipping champagne Santa looks at Banta and asks him Tell me how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest? It was easy replies Banta Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks
एक दिन संता बहुत परेशान बैठा हुआ था तो उसे परेशान देख कर उसकी पत्नी जीतो उस से पूछती है; जीतो: सुनो जी क्या बात है बहुत परेशान लग रहे हो? संता: मैंने अभी एक ऐसी बुक पढ़ी है जिसे पढने के बाद मेरा दिल बैठा जा रहा है! जीतो: ऐसी कौन सी बुक पढ़ ली तुमने? संता: मेरे बैंक की पासबुक!
एक बार एक अँधेरी सड़क पर एक चोर ने संता को रोक लिया और बोला। चोर: तुम्हारी जेब में जो कुछ है फटाफट निकाल दो। संता: भाईसाहब ऐसा मत कीजिए अगर मैं खाली जेब लेकर घर गया तो मेरी बीवी मुझे कच्चा चबा जाएगी। चोर: और अगर मैं खाली हाथ घर पहुंचा तो मेरी बीवी क्या मुझे तल के खाएगी?
Santa went to Banta s house and said Oye Banteya lets go to London Banta replied Yes Santa par mainu English nahin aandi (I can t speak English) Santa assures Banta that his English skills are better than average and that he d take care of him in London Santa and Banta reach London and pretty soon are sauntering down the middle of a fairly busy road A Gori Mem(blonde) pulls up behind them in her Austin Princess and starts of in English Oh Man You are jay-walking BLAH BLAH don t you have any regard For the traffic rules in this country etc etc Santa turns around looks at the Gori Mem and Starts rattling off the following at a fairly brisk Pace To the Principal Government High secondary school Village Noorpur Post Office Noorpur Tehsil Jalandhar District Jalandhar Punjab India Sir I am having severe stomach aches since yesterday and my Phamily doctor has recomended bed rest Please grant me two days sick leave Yours Obediently Santa The Gori is quite baffled at the sudden outburst from Santa and quitely gets into her car and leaves Banta is amazed He runs up to Santa and says Oye Santa tu taan phate chak dite Us gori de takkar di angrazi bol ke (You put that gori back in her place your English sounds better than hers) Santa Shrugs off Banta and says: oye yeh taa kuch bhi nahin je jaada tain tain kardi na mainu Thirsty Crow te Greedy Daag Dono aande se dono suna dene se (that was only a sample if she would have stuck around I would have recited thirsty crow and Greedy dog for her as well)
एक बार संता अपनी पत्नी को लेकर शूपिंग मॉल में घूम रहा था की तभी अचानक पास से गुज़रती एक महिला ने उससे हेल्लो कहा। यह देख संता की पत्नी उस से चिड़ते हुए बोली कौन थी वो मनहूस डायन? संता: भगवान् के लिए चुप कर जा और मुझे कुछ सोचने दे क्योंकि कल यही सवाल वो भी मुझसे पूछेगी।
Banta a furniture dealer from Ludhiana decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Ludhiana To celebrate the new acquisition he decided to visit a small bar and have a beer As he sat enjoying his beer he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat Before long a very beautiful young woman came to his table asked him something in Tamil (which he did not understand) and motioned toward the Chair He invited her to sit down He tried to speak to her in Hindi but she did not knew Hindi so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her Banta took a napkin and drew a picture of a beer glass and showed it to her She nodded and he ordered a glass of beer for her After sitting together at the table for a while he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it and she nodded They left the bar and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music They ordered dinner after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing She nodded and they got up to dance They danced until the cafe closed and the band was Packing up Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed To this day Banta has no idea how she figured out he was in the Furniture business
संता अपने लिए लड़की देखने गया। लड़की के बाप ने संता को एकांत में लड़की से बात करने के लिए भेज दिया। संता की समझ में नहीं आया कि क्या बात करे तो बड़ी हिम्मत जुटाकर उसने पूछा बहनजी आप कितने भाई-बहन हो ? लड़की ने ठंडी सांस भर कर जवाब दिया अभी तक तो दो ही थे मगर अब तीन हो गए ।
बंता: यार क्या तूने कभी प्यार किया है? संता: हाँ भाई किया तो है। बंता: अच्छा तो बता मोहब्बत क्या है? संता कुछ देर सोचता है और कहता है मोहब्बत एक से हो तो भोलापन है दो से हो तो अपनापन है तीन से हो तो दीवानापन है चार से हो तो पागलपन है और अगर फिर भी गिनती ना रुके तो कमीनापन है।
एक बार बंता को जोर-जोर से रोता हुआ देख संता ने उस से पूछा; संता: तुम क्यों रो रहे हो? बंता: मेरे पडोसी रामू का हाथी मर गया है! संता: तो तुम क्यों रो रहे हो क्या तुम उस हाथी से बहुत प्यार करते थे? बंता: नहीं! संता: तो फिर तुम क्यों रो रहे हो? बंता: मुझे उसकी कब्र खोदने का काम मिला है!
Three men : a philosopher a mathematician and Santa were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree Before anyone knows it the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby Gentlemen the Devil started Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don`t know or cannot answer then you`re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not then you`ll come with me to Hell The philosopher then stepped up OK give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates` teachings With a snap of his finger a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct Then go to Hell With another snap of his finger the philosopher disappeared The mathematician then asked Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of With a snap of his finger another stack of paper appeared The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct Then go to Hell With another snap of his finger the mathematician disappeared too Santa then stepped forward and said Bring me a chair The Devil brought forward a chair Drill 7 holes on the seat The Devil did just that Santa then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart Standing up he asked Which hole did my fart come out from? The Devil inspected the seat and said The third hole from the right Wrong said Santa it`s from my asshole Santa went to Heaven
