4 men - a Marathi Bengali Gujrati and our Santa were being interviewed for a top job With nothing to choose between them the President told them over dinner that the decisive test would be carried out the following morning with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job The next morning first up was the Marathi Here`s your question said the President What`s the fastest thing in the world? Without hesitation he replied A thought because it takes no time at all Very good answer said the President Next up was the Gujrati What`s the fastest thing in the world? asked the president A blink replied the Texan almost instantaneously cos you don`t think about a blink It`s a reflex Good answer replied the president Next was the Bengali What`s the fastest thing in the world? asked the president The Bengali thought for a moment Electricity because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately That`s a great answer replied the president Finally it was our Santa`s turn What`s the fastest thing in the world? asked the president Scratching his head Santa replied: Diarrhoea because last night after dinner I was lying on my bed when I got these awful stomach pains and before I could think blink or turn on the light

हवाई जहाज में शराब के चार-पांच पैग पीने के बाद; ब्रिटिश: अब मैं सोने जा रहा हूँ। अमेरिकन: मैं अपना ऑफिस का काम निपटाने जा रहा हूँ। जर्मन: मैं अभी फिल्म देखूंगा। चीनी: मैं तो अब संगीत सुनना चाहता हूँ। संता: भाई तो आज प्लेन उडाएगा।

एक बार संता की गर्लफ्रेंड ने उस से पूछा; गर्लफ्रेंड: जानू एक बात पूछूँ? संता: हाँ पूछो! गर्लफ्रेंड: डार्लिंग क्या मैं तुम्हारे सपनों में आती हूं? संता: नहीं! गर्लफ्रैंड: क्यों नहीं? संता: क्योंकि मैं हनुमान चालिसा पढ़ कर सोता हूं!

Santa walks into the front door of a bar He is obviously drunk He staggers up to the bar seats himself on a stool and with a belch asks the bartender for a drink The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a taxi called for him Santa is briefly surprised then softly scoffs grumbles climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door A few minutes later Santa stumbles in the side door of the bar He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink The bartender comes over and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation Again the bartender offers to call a taxi for him Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily curses and shows himself out the side door all the while grumbling and shaking his head A few minutes later Santa bursts in through the back door of the bar He plops himself up on a bar stool gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk will be served no drinks and either a taxi or the police will be called immediately Surprised Santa looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries Man How many bars do you work at?

Santa was hunting in Bhatinda recently when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a pigeon he had shot A farmer came and asked Santa what he was doing on his property Retrieving this pigeon that I just shot he replied That pigeon is on my side of the fence so now its mine replied the farmer Santa asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to No replied the farmer I don`t know and I don`t care I am Santa a famous lawyer from Ludhiana came the reply And if you don`t let me get that pigeon I can sue you for your farm your tractor and everything else you own I`ll leave you penniless on the street Well said the farmer In Bhatinda the only law we go by is the kicks law Never heard of it said Santa The farmer said I get to kick you 3 times and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times that pigeon is yours Santa thought this over He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer Fair enough he said So the farmer kicked Santa violently in the groin As he was doubling over the farmer kicked him in the face and when he hit the ground he kicked him hard in the ribs After several moments Santa slowly made it back to his feet Alright now it`s my turn said Santa Aw forget it said the farmer You can have the pigeon

Santa and Banta were sitting in a bar getting really drunk After a while just drinking gets boring so Santa looks at the Banta and says Hey you want to go up for a ride in my airplane? Banta says Wow you have an airplane? Let`s go So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane Eventually they get bored with this too so they decide to land The drunk Santa starts circling around looking for a place to land and he sees an airstrip close by Santa says Let`s land here It looks like it`s as good a place as any So he circles around and goes in for a landing but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up Shit he says That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen How is anyone supposed to land on it? But since it`s the only runway nearby he decides to try again with the same result Getting pretty irritated Santa says to Banta All right I`m going to try ONE more time and if I can`t land it we`re just going to crash and hope we don`t die So they end up crashing and miraculously neither is hurt When they crawl out of the wreckage Santa swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway I`m gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck He must be total moron No one could land on anything that short Banta looks around and says Yeah but look how wide it is

Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai When they entered the hotel and registered a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly Banta brushed her off Preeto objected That young woman was nice and you were so rude Preeto she`s a prostitute I don`t believe you That sweet young thing? Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it In their room Banta called down to the desk and asked for that girl to come to room 326 Now he said you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us OK? Soon there was a knock on the door Banta opened it and girl walked in swirling her hips provocatively Banta asked How much do you charge? Ten thousand basic rate three thousand tips for special services Even Banta was taken aback Ten thousand I was thinking more in the range of two thousand Girl laughed derisively You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price Well said Banta I guess we can`t do business Goodbye After she left Preeto came out of the bathroom She said I just can`t believe it Banta said Let`s forget it We`ll go have a drink then eat dinner At the bar as they sipped their cocktails that girl came up behind Banta pointed slyly at Preeto and said See what you get for rupees two thousand

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were `protecting` Feeling the heat from the police force they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught he wouldn`t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing Well on his first week the deaf collector picks up over Rs 50 00 000 He gets greedy decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is The deaf collector can`t communicate with them so the mafia drags Santa to an interpreter The mafia hood says to Santa Ask him where is the money Santa signs Where`s the money? The deaf replies I don`t know what you`re talking about Santa tells the hood He says he doesn`t know what you`re talking about The hood pulls out a 38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector NOW ask him wher`s the money Santa signs Where is the money? The deaf man signs The 50 00 000 is in Rose Garden hidden in the ninth tree stump on the left from the exit gate Santa says to the hood He says he still doesn`t know what you`re talking about and doesn`t think you have the guts to pull the trigge

Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him You are driving me crazy Hameed One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that schoo she even shifted to another city 25 years later that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful When she opened her eyes she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her being under anesthesia effect she wanted to thank him but could not talk in turn he was staring at her face which started turning blue she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner Don t tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a docto

संता (बंता से): और सुना यार बीवी से झगड़ा खत्म हुआ या नही? बंता: अबे घुटनों पर चल कर आयी थी मेरे पास घुटनों पर। संता: क्या बात कर रहा है सच में.. बंता: और नहीं तो क्या। संता: फिर क्या बोली? बंता: बोली बेड के नीचे से बाहर आ जाओ पक्का अब नही मारुंगी।

संता USA मे था 1 बिल्डिग मे आग लग गयी,
संता Fire Brigade से- तुम लोगो को नीचे फेकोँ । मैँ कैच करुंगा,
पहले एक लडका आया फिर एक लडकी फिर आदमी
फिर औरत संता ने सबको पकड लिया
फिर 1 निग्रो आया तो संता ने छोड दिया और बोला
अबे सालो । जो जल गये है वो तो मत फेको..!

बंता: यार संता क्या इस धरती पर कोई ऐसा इंसान है जिसे परेशानी ना हो? संता: नहीं तो। बंता: तो यार अगर किसी की ज़िन्दगी में कोई परेशानी हो तो किसके पास जाना चाहिए? संता: किसान के पास। बंता: किसान के पास वो क्यों? संता: क्योंकि उसके पास हल होता है।

Santa a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly elderly woman He approached her and asked Mrs Kapoor do you know me? She responded Why yes I do know you Santa I`ve known you since you were a young boy And frankly you`ve been a big disappointment to me You lie you cheat on your wife you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs You think you`re a rising big shot when you haven`t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher Yes I know you Santa was stunned Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked Mrs Kapoor do you know Banta the defense attorney? She again replied Why yes I do I`ve known Banta since he was a youngster too I used to baby-sit him for his parents And he too has been a real disappointment to me He`s lazy bigoted he has a drinking problem The man can`t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women Yes I know him Banta was also surprised and shocked At this point the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called Santa and Banta to the bench In a very quiet voice he said with menace If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me you`ll be jailed for contempt

Santa is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused Banta comes in and asks Santa Hey why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? Santa: Some things you just can`t explain Banta: So what happened that is so horrible? Santa: Well if you must know today I was sitting by my buffallo milking her Just as I go the bucket about full she took her left leg and kicked it over Banta: That`s not so bad what`s the big deal? Santa: Some things you just can`t explain Banta: So then what happened Santa: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope Then I sat down and continued to milk her Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over Banta: Again? Santa: Something`s yoy just can`t explain Banta: So what did you do then? Santa: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right Banta: So then what did you do? Santa: I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full the stupid buffalo knocks over the bucket with her tail Banta: Wow you must have been pretty upset Santa: Some things you just can`t explain Banta: So then what did you do Santa: Well I didn`t have any more rope so I took off the nara (cord) of my pyajama and tied her tail to a tree s hanging branch In that moment my pyajama fell down and my wife Jeeto walked in

Santa is the English teacher in a school He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the English class This is what transpires : Santa : Bolo bachon GADHA Students (in chorous) : GADHA Santa : Bolo bachon GADHA GADHE KE PECHE GADHA Students (in chorous) : GADHA GADHE KE PECHE GADHA Santa : Bolo bachon GADHA GADHE KE PECHE GADHA GADHE KE PECHE MAI Students (in chorous) : GADHA GADHE KE PECHE GADHA GADHE KE PECHE MAI Santa : Bolo bachon GADHA GADHE KE PECHE GADHA GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH Students (in chorous) : GADHA GADHE KE PECHE GADHA GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH By this time the inspector is furious He confronts the principal and shouts at him What is this Santa teaching to students He is supposed to be taking an English class and what he is saying is GADHA GADHE KE PECHE GADHA GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH The principle too is shocked Santa the famous English teacher doing this He immediately sends for Santa Principal : Santa ji what nonsense are you telling these students GADHA GADHE KE PECHE GADHA GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH Santa : Yes i was telling all this in class but i was only teaching the students the spellings of | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | ASSASSINATION