Don t talk about yourself so much we ll do that when you leave

Nuns generally wear plain colours because old habits never dye

There are two theories to arguing with women Neither one works

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down to your hips

Brain cells come and brain cells go but fat cells live foreve

Everyone is entitled to be stupid but some abuse the privilege

I can t remember the last time I wasn t at least kind of tired

Most of the love triangles today are turning into wrecktangles

Microsoft is to software what McDonald s is to gourmet cooking

I m not racist Racism is a crime and crime is for black people

Experience is what you get when you didn t get what you wanted

Men should be able to pee on the street like the dogs they are

Man who sinks into woman s arms soon have arms in woman s sink

Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met