Santa took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators Santa`s father started to tilt slowly toward the left A Doctor came by and said Let me help you The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of Santa`s father so he would stay upright Santa`s father started to tilt slowly to the right An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright Santa`s father started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him About this time Santa returned Santa Well Dad isn`t this a nice place Santa`s father replied I guess it`s ok but they won`t let me fart

Once a police officer pulls over Banta who had been weaving in and out of the lanes He goes up to Banta`s window and says Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube Banta says Sorry officer I can not do that I am an asthmatic If I do that I will have a really bad asthma attack Okay fine I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample I can not do that either I am a hemophiliac If I do that I will bleed to death Well then we need a urine sample I am sorry officer I can not do that either I am also a diabetic If I do that I will get really low blood sugar Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line I can not do that officer Why not? Because I am too drunk to do that

Banta and his wife Preeto were shocked when Preeto`s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time She is to avoid stress eat right and never ever have sex again--the strain would be too much So Banta and Preeto reluctantly try to live by these rules Both get really horny over time however and Banta decides he`d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation This works for a few weeks until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--Preeto is coming downstairs and Banta is heading up Honey I have a confession to make Preeto says her voice quavering I was about to commit suicide I`m glad to hear it sweetie Banta says Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you

Santa was in Telecom deptt before joining the army As part of his basic training he went out on the rifle range He fired 99 shots at the target and missed the target with every shot His Drill Instructor was very upset with him What`s the matter with you? asked the Drill Instructor Why can`t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life? I was a telephone man replied the Bantat and I don`t know why I can`t hit the target Let me see Banta checked his rifle checked his rifle again and checked his rifle a third time He then put his finger in front of the muzzle pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off Well Banta said writhing in pain the bullets are leaving here fine The trouble must be on the other end

Banta was visiting Delhi for the first time He wanted to see the Palika Bazaar Unfortunately he couldn`t find it so he asked a police officer for directions Excuse me officer how do I get to the Palika Bazaar? The officer replied Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus It`ll take you right there Banta thanked the officer and he drives off Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and sure enough Banta is still waiting at the same bus stop The officer got out of his car and said Excuse me but to get to the Palika Bazaar I said to wait here for the number 54 bus That was three hours ago Why are you still waiting? Banta replied Don`t worry officer it won`t be long now The 45th bus just went by

Santa was visiting Chandigarh for the first time He wanted to see the Rock Garden Unfortunately he couldn t find it so he asked a police officer for directions Excuse me officer how do I get to the Rock Garden? The officer replied Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus It ll take you right there He thanked the officer and the officer drove off Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and sure enough Santa is still waiting at the same bus stop The officer got out of his car and said Excuse me but to get to the Rock Garden I said to wait here for the number 46 bus That was three hours ago Why are you still waiting? Santa replied Don t worry officer it won t be long now The 43rd bus just went by

Banta was a photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire Banta arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown Sure enough a small airplane was waiting He jumped in with his equipment and shouted Let`s go The tense man sitting in the pilot`s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air though flying erratically Fly over the north side of the fire said Banta and make several low-level passes Why? asked the nervous pilot Because I`m going to take pictures yelled Banta I`m a photographer and photographers take pictures After a long pause the pilot replied: You mean you`re not my instructor?

Santa s wife Jeeto got into a terrible car accident Her face was burned terribly The doctors couldn t use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery As a result Santa offered the skin off his butt for the surgery She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery One night Jeeto and Santa were watching TV when she broke down crying What s the matter? Santa asked Jeeto said I can t believe you did this for me Santa hugged her and replied Don t worry about it I love you and I d do anything for you But how will I ever repay you? she asked To which Santa replied You don t need to repay me you wouldn t believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek

In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying See the guts Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds The soldier did as he was told When he came back from the water the German said See the guts Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man Santa and asked him to take five similar rounds Santa promptly replied Am I your dad`s servant? At this the general proudly said See the guts

Santa and his wife lives in a small house in Chandigarh One day Santa`s wife Jeeto asks Santa to fix a cupboard door since one of the hinges was broken His reply was Do I look like a carpenter? I`m a Photographer not a carpenter Get a carpenter to fix the door A few days later Jeeto asks him to fix a dripping tap Again Santa replies Do I look like a plumber? I`m a photographer not a plumber Get a plumber to fix the tap A week later Santa notices that both the tap and the door have been fixed so he asks Jeeto who fixed it She replied I met a handyman in town and he offered to fix the door and the tap if I either bake him a cake or have sex with him Santa asked So what kind of cake did you bake? Jeeto replied Do I look like a baker?

The homeowner was delighted with the way Santa had done all the paintwork on his house You did a great job he said as he handed Santa his fees Also in order to thank-you here s an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie Santa declined saying No I can t accept that I insist said the man It would make me very happy if you do it Well said Santa reluctantly but with appreciation If you really don t mind it I ll do it Later that night the doorbell rang and it was Santa standing there in clean clothes holding a bouquet of flowers Thinking that Santa had forgotten something he asked What s the matter did you leave something behind? Nope replied Santa I m just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked

There were these two not so bright guys Santa and Banta who had to get across the desert Since they didn t have enough money for a car so they decided to buy a camel The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left They took the camel down to the water hole but the camel would not drink Santa says I have a idea why don t I hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw Banta thought about this for a while and finally agreed After a while Santa asks Well is it working? Banta replied I think it is going to work but you have to pick his head up just a little because I m just getting mud

Santa happened to participate in a competition which was about writing the shortest story The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz religion sex suspense and mystery When Santa s turn came after many attempts by others Santa s story was of just one sentence which read Oh god my wife is going to deliver a child Ostensibly amused the organizers asked the american whether it contained all the four ingredients American replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below: Oh god: religion My wife: sex Going to deliver a child: suspense (whether a girl or a boy) Okay but where is the mystery? asked one of the organizers Santa replied: who is the father? He was the winner for writing the shortest story

A Bihari a Bengali and our Santa were arguing on the hospital ward who was the most careless The Bihari guy said I m the most careless this morning I ramped a pavement and went head on into a wall totally writing my car off and now I have to wear this neck brace Wow that is careless Said the Bengali guy Not as careless as me though This morning I drove straight through a red light and into the side of a van My car is a write off and I ve fractured my shoulder That is careless Said Santa Not as careless as me though This morning I took a corner too fast spiraled out of control went straight into a lamppost and broke both of my legs That is careless Said the Bihari guy But what happened to your car? Car What car? Replied Santa I was walking

Santa and Banta fly to the south sea islands to study the natives They go to two adjacent islands and set to work A few months later Santa takes a boat over to the other island to see how Banta is doing When he gets there he finds Banta standing among a group of natives Greetings How is it going? says Santa Wonderful says Banta I have discovered an important fact about the local language Watch He points at a palm tree and says What is that? The natives in unison say Umbalo-gong He then points at a rock and says And that? The natives again intone Umbalo-gong You see says the beaming Banta They use the SAME word for rock and for palm tree That is truly amazing says the astonished Santa On the other island the same word means index finge