Santa was spending some of his hard-earned cash on a luxury cruise and was given a table with a Frenchman At their first meal together the Frenchman said Bon appetit Before the next meal commenced the performance was repeated Bon appetit said the Frenchman Santa Ji replied Santa After this had happened at every meal for three days Santa was getting fed up and told a fellow traveller about it He tells me his name is Bon Appetit and I tell him my name is Santa and then at the next meal we start all over again The fellow traveller laughed and explained to Santa that the Frenchman was not introducing himself and that Bon appetit meant Good appetite or I hope that you enjoy your meal Santa breathed a sigh of relief on receiving this information Next morning at breakfast Santa greeted the Frenchman Bon appetite The Frenchman nodded politely and said Santa Ji

Banta was carrying a large fish in a bucket of water away from a lake which was well known for its excellent fishing when a Fishery officer stopped him The officer says Do you have a fishing license? Banta replies Don t need a license this is my pet fish Pet fish? the officer asked Banta answers Yes every night I take my fish down to the lake and let him swim around for a while then I whistle and he jumps up on shore and I put him in his bucket and we go back home That s a bunch of baloney fish can t do that Banta looks at the officer and says You want me to show you? Very curious now the officer says O K I ve got to see this Banta pours the fish into the lake then stands there waiting After a few minutes the officer turns to Banta and says Well? Well What? Banta says The Officer asks Are you going to call your fish back? Fish What fish? Banta responds

One day our Santa decided he was going to give up the city life move to the country and become a chicken farmer He found a nice used chicken farm which he bought Turns out that his next door neighbour Banta was also a chicken farmer Banta came for a visit one day and said Chicken farming isn`t easy Tell you what To help you get started I`ll give you 100 chickens Santa was thrilled Two weeks later Banta stopped by to see how things were going Santa said Not too good All 100 chickens died Banta said Oh I can`t believe that I`ve never had any trouble with my chickens I`ll give you 100 more Another two weeks went by and Banta stops in again Santa says You`re not going to believe this but the second 100 chickens died too Astounded Banta asked What did you do to them? What went wrong? Well says Santa I`m not sure But I think I`m not planting them far enough apart

Banta gets on a plane and sits next to the window A few minutes later a big heavy strong mean-looking hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him The huge man glares threateningly at Banta crowds him so much that he`s flattened against the window and immediately falls asleep After the plane takes off Banta starts to feel a little air sick but he`s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom After a few attempts he realizes that he can`t climb over him and so Banta is sitting there looking at the big guy trying to decide what to do Suddenly the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over Banta He just can`t hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy`s chest About five minutes later the big guy wakes up looks down and sees the vomit all over him So Banta says brightly are you feeling better now?

Santa and his wife Jeeto went on vacation to a resort One morning Santa came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap Jeeto decided to take the boat out She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out a short distance from shore anchored the boat and started reading a book she had brought with her Along comes a guard in his boat - pulls up alongside and asks What are you doing out here? Jeeto replies I`m just reading a book Well ma`am this is a restricted area he says Then he sees all the fishing equipment in the boat and continues You can`t fish here ma`am To which she replies I`m not fishing I`m merely sitting here reading my book But you have all this equipment I will have to take you in and write you up If you do that I will charge you with rape Why I didnt even touch you No you haven`t but you have all the equipment

Santa and Banta are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded Suddenly Banta throws up all over himself Aw man my wife is going to kill me when she sees this he says Santa replies Don`t worry about it That happened to me before Here`s what you do Put a 100 rupee note in your pants pocket When you get home tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you Rs 100 to pay for the cleaning OK? All right I`ll try it So Banta goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit Now look what you`ve done to yourself No no Banta slurs back Some drunk guy puked on me but he gave me this 100 rupee note to get my suit cleaned With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table Mrs Banta looks at it and says I thought that you said he only gave you one 100 rupee note How come there are two here? Banta slurs back He shit in my pants too

A man wakes up one morning and found a gorilla on his roof So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough there s an advert for Gorilla Catchers He calls the number and the gorilla cathcer Santa says he will be over in 30 minutes Santa arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van He s got a LADDER a BASEBALL BAT a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG What are you going to do the house owner asks? Santa said I m going to put this LADDER up against the roof and then I m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this BASEBALL BAT When the gorilla falls off the DOG is trained to grab the gorilla s testicles and squeeze The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van He hands the shotgun to the house owner What s the shotgun for? asks the house owner Santa replies If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof SHOOT THE DOG

I found myself in a pub in Patiala and a group of American tourists came in One of the Americans said in a loud voice I hear you Punjabis think you re great drinkers I bet 5 000 that no-one here can drink 3 bottles of Jack Daniels in 10 minutes The bar was silent the American noticed Santa leaving no-one took up the bet 20 minutes later Santa who left returned and said Hey Yank is your bet still on? Sure said the American 3 JD in 10 minutes for a bet of 5 000 Great replied Santa so pour the whisky and start the clock It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare OK Yank pay up said Santa I m happy to pay here s your money said the American But tell me when I first offered the wager I saw you leave Where did you go? Well sir replied Santa 5 000 is a lot of money to a man like me so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it

Santa applied for a loan of Rs 10 00 000 The banker pulled out the loan application What have you got for collateral? What s collateral? Well that s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan Have you got any vehicle? Yes a Tata Sumo The banker shook his head Any fixed assets like land house building or ? Yes I have five acres of land and a small farm house Finally the banker decided to make the loan Several weeks later Santa was back in the bank He pulled out a roll of bills Here to pay he said He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off What are you going to do with the rest of that money? Don t know Why don t you deposit it in my bank he asked Don t know deposit You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you When you want to use it you can withdraw it Santa leaned across the desk and asked What you got for collateral?

A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as Banta in a car slowed down at a stop sign without coming to a complete stop then sped off The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached Banta Sir can I please see your license and rgistration Banta replies Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong Officer The officer explain You didn`t come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back Let me guess said Banta all the wine shops are closed today Sir I`m going to overlook that last comment Now if you would please show me your license and registration Banta counters Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop Sir step out of the car As Banta reluctantly gets out of his car the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims Now sir would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop

I was stopped by the cops in a control and one of the officers was convinced that I was drunk I had to answer some questions which would determine whether I was under the influence or sober Cop: If you are driving on a road and see two lights what is it? A car I think I replied OK but is it a Chrysler GM or Buick? No clue I replied You re drunk he said I shook my head slightly being caught off guard But if you meet one light then ? he asked Probably a motorcycle I replied OK but is it a Honda BMW or a Suzuki? No clue I replied You re drunk he said again Now I was a little angry and asked the arrogant officer a question: If you see a woman at a corner with fishnet-stockings mini-skirt high-heeled shoes and lots of makeup what can it be? Haaa the cop said It is of course a wh*re Correct I replied But is it your wife daughter or mother? They seized my drivers license

One day there was a man going in a Fiat Car at 45 KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive Suddenly Banta came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the man: Kabhi Honda chalaya kya? and sped off The man was surprised but he did not bother After some time Banta came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn in the opposite direction peeped into the car and shouted again ` kabhi Honda chalaya kya?` and sped off This time the man was annoyed since Banta was teasing about his driving After some time again the Banta came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car The man was about to say something but Banta sped off This time the man increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found Banta lying on the road bleeding He got down and mocked at Banta: Kyon bhai Kabhi Honda chalaye kya? Banta said : Wohi to puch raha tha Mein Brakes ke liye dhoond raha tha

Santa went for his annual physical check up All of his tests came back with normal results His Dr said Santa everything looks great physically How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God? Santa replied God and me are tight He knows I have poor eyesight so he`s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on when I pee and then poof the light goes off when I`m done Wow commented Dr That`s incredible A little later in the day Dr called Jeeto Santa`s wife and says Santa is just fine Physically he`s great But I had to call because I`m in awe of his relationship with God Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof the light goes off? Jeeto exclaimed Oh God He`s peeing in the refrigerator again

Santa came back from a safari in Africa Upon arrival he went to his friend Banta and told him of his adventures I was out in the jungle he said when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me Looking back I saw a huge lion licking his chops and smiling at me The lion started coming my way and I started running with the lion not far behind When the lion was almost at my neck he suddenly slipped and I got ahead a bit The lion started gaining on me and as he got closer once again he slipped I happened to see a house not far away and made towards it As I got close to the house the lion was almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time With the very last bit of strength I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion s face Wow That s some sorry said Banta If I d been in that situation I would have shit my pants Well WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON ???

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective One was Santa one was Jewish and one was Italian The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer When the Jewish man arrived for his interview the chief asked him Who killed Jesus Christ? The Jewish man answered without hesitation The Romans killed him The chief thanked him and he left When the Italian man arrived for his interview the chief asked the same question He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews Again the chief thanked the man who then left Finally Santa arrived for his interview he was asked the same question He thought for a long time before saying Could I have some time to think about it? The chief said OK but get back to me tomorrow When Santa arrived home his wife asked How did the interview go? Pat came the reply Great I got the job and I`m already investigating a murde