Santa and Banta were enjoying a few drinks down at the local bar when Santa said to Banta If I ask you a question will you promise to answer me honestly? Yeah sure thing replied his friend fire away Well said Santa why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive? It s probably because of her speech impediment replied Banta What do you mean her speech impediment? inquired Santa My wife doesn t have a speech impediment Well replied Banta you must be the only guy who hasn t noticed that she can t say NO

Banta owned a great big farm He had lots of animals like pigs chickens horses and cows But then one day one of his horses became constipated so he went to the vet and the doctor gave him some big pills and a pipe The doctor instructed him to put a pill in the pipe stick the pipe up the horse s ass and blow as hard as he could Banta went home and did exactly what the vet told him to do An hour later Banta came back to the doctor s place looking very sick The doctor asked what was wrong Then Banta replied The horse blew first

Once Banta went to Bombay While passing through a road he saw a very high building He was amazed to see it and decided to count its stories As he was doing so a townsman saw him and tried to befool him So he approached Banta and asked What are you doing? When he was told the answer the townsman said that one had to pay two rupees for every storey counted How many have you counted? Banta said ten and gave the man twenty rupees Walking away Banta was very happy to think how he has befooled the other man for he had counted twenty

Banta enters a barbershop for a shave While the barber is foaming him up he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks I have just the thing says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer Just place this between your cheek and gum Banta places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave Banta has ever experienced After a few strokes Banta asks in garbled speech And what if I swallow it? No problem says the barber Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does

Two drunk Santa and Banta were walking along a dirt road one day when they came upon a pile of some brown stuff on the ground Is that shit Banta? Santa said I don t really know Responded Banta as he bent over it smells like shit Santa leaned in and dipped his finger into the mysterious pile It feels like shit Banta too dipped his finger into the mysterious pile and without hesitation shoved the finger in his mouth Sure tastes like shit buddy I think it s definitely shit Hooooeee Responded Santa Good thing we didn’t step in it

Santa was coming home after a latenight boozing He lived alone and locked his house whenever he went out As he neared his house he took out his key to open the lock but he could not manage to put the key into the hole After trying this repeatedly he was tired A neighbor who was witnessing the scene took pity on him and said Give me the key I will open it for you Santa looked for a while and said to him The lock will be opened by me but do me a favor please hold the house firmly while I do the rest Damn it it is shaking like a pendulum

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt which was brand new before he came in Damn he says I puked on my shirt again If the wife finds out she s gonna kill me Not to worry says the bartender as he sticks a 20 bill in the drunk s pocket Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties Why are there two twenties? she asks The drunk replies Oh yeah he crapped in my pants too

Santa couldn t believe it - he d made it to the last round of his favourite game show Congratulations Santa ji said Big B Answer correctly and you go home with five crores This is a two-part question on Punjab history he continued The second half of the question is always easier Which part would you like first? Santa figured he d play it safe I think I ll try the second part of the question first Big B nodded approvingly while the audience was silent with anticipation Okay Santa ji here is your question: And in what year did it happen?

A group of soldiers arriving in Jammu found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid Following an involved lesson on making splints dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding the instructor decided to determine how well the class had grasped the information given Santa he said pointing to one of the solders say your platoon leader sustains a head injury during a cross-country march What do you do about it? That`s easy Sir said Santa I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops

Banta was very much in love with a beautiful girl One day she told him that the next day was her birthday Banta told her he would send her a bouquet of roses one for each year of her life That evening Banta called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning As the florist was preparing the order he decided that since Banta was such a good customer he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet Poor Banta never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him

Santa is sitting at the coffee shop staring morosely into his coffee Banta walks in and sits down After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Santa what the problem is Well said Santa I ran afoul of one of those questions my wife asks Now I m in deep trouble at home What kind of question? asked Banta My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old fat and ugly That s easy said Banta You just say Of course I will Yeah said Santa that s what I did except I said Of course I DO

Santa (tourists guide) was talking with a group of school kids at Zoo when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf Yes I came face to face with a wolf once And as luck would have it I was alone and without a weapon What did you do? the little girl asked What could I do? First I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me I moved back but he kept coming nearer and nearer I had to think fast How did you get away? As a last resort I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage

Santa and Banta decided to rob a bank but during the process of the robbery they mess it up but they do managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor They do manage to take one sack each After a while they meet again and one asks the other Santa: What did you find in your sack? Banta: Ten lakh Rupees Santa: Wow that s a lot of money What did you do with the cash? Banta: I bought a house How about your sack? Santa: It was full of bills Banta: And what did you do with them? Santa: Eh well little by little I m paying them off

Banta went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off How did this happen? the doctor asked Well I was trying to commit suicide Banta replied The doctor asked Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger? No silly First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs 1 000 to get my teeth straightened So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigge

Santa was enjoying sun on a beach in America A lady came and asked him Are you relaxing ? Santa No I am Santa Another Guy Came and asked the same question Santa answered No No Im Santa Third one came and asked the same question Santa was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place While walking he saw a man (our Banta) enjoying the Beach He went and asked him Are you Relaxing? Banta being educated answered Yes I am relaxing Santa slapped him on his face and said Salay Sab tere Ko wahah dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai